Embarrassment is one of the markers of middle-class. Always wary of what anyone else may think, we shuffle demurely through life behind our paper-thin facades, hoping that no-one ever will peek behind. One step out of line, and we cringe with shame, hoping that nobody will see us through.

My family may have been more middle-class than most. Catapulted into the local spotlight by my father’s work as a country dean, everything we did was discussed throughout the parish. So we did as little as possible. We never had arguments, never had conflicting meanings. A kind of very, very late-Victorian bubble in the Norwegian countryside; discretion, politeness and good old Christian family values was the rule for everything we did, said and thought.

And of course: none of us had bodies. At least not to speak about. Sexuality was very vulgar, and not something that happened in our elevated circles. As for homosexuality, it simply did not exist. Of course.

When I was 12 I discovered that I fell in love with boys instead of girls. Not knowing that such strange love existed, it took me the whole of two weeks to find out that this actually was the worst of taboos. Too ashamed to see that I was ashamed, too scared to try to discover where this shame actually came from, I stuffed it all away behind a friendly and correct virginal mask. Perhaps it would go away? Perhaps I should try a bit harder to fall in love with girls? Some of them were rather pretty after all. And so the years passed. Slowly.

Being kind, polite and humble is all very well, and it has its rewards. But it is very lonely work, and tiring for the soul. I still fell in love with other men of course, but equally of course never told them. I am a patient man, but after too many years of this I saw that this couldn’t go on. It was too depressing in the long run, my whole life trickling silently away in hiding.

“Sexuality was very vulgar, and not something that happened in our elevated circles. As for homosexuality, it simply did not exist.”

So, I decided to change. I quit my job, moved to our capital city, Oslo, attended an art school, and was very curious to see what more would change. I stopped hiding, got friends, and finally came out of the closet. Now at long last I discovered the shame that had held me hidden safely in there. And better still, I saw where it came from.

We are all conditioned by the society we grow up in, inheriting a host of unwritten rules about how to behave, what is of value, and what is less so. Like a subconscious book of values, we form our behaviour and meanings after these invisible rules every day. Sadly, this book of values also includes the prejudices of society. And so, if you’re part of a group that society looks down upon, you may end up with this most absurd thing: deep, subconsious prejudices against yourself. This can result in the worst of shames: the shame of being yourself.

I believe that many feel such shame. Whether you are old, disabled, have mental health issues, are poor, unemployed, an immigrant – the list goes on and on – you risk ending up with this deep certainty: I am unacceptable.

Around the world a very large group has suffered from this: women.

Women have been actively fighting to get their place in the world for over a hundred years. They have achieved a lot, but there’s still much left to do, and they have to keep on working. We gays have been fighting for just a few decades, so of course we’re not out of the shame yet. The prejudices are still there, in society and in our heads.

All the cattiness and meanness between us LGBTs is just self-loathing turned outwards. Wouldn’t it be good if we could get over our shame, and let go of all this? That pride and love really could be our true hallmarks?

For me, life at least has become a lot better. Having discovered where the shame came from made me free of it. Just the fact of discovering that the shame I felt was simply me being loyal to some totally unfounded prejudices that I had inherited, made me free to disregard these rules. After all, they are rather nonsensical really.

• Read more about Skogrand’s upcoming exhibition, and see some of the artworks at the gallery’s website: 

www.vaslisouza.com/theatreofshame and www.trygveskogrand.com

17/04/15: The Freemasons, and no, we’re not talking about the hollow-eyed men in dark suits with signet rings, are perhaps one of the most recognizable names in clubland.

Brighton coast boys, James Wiltshire and Russell Small have racked up more DJ, producing and remixing credits (Grammy award recognition included) than a gay crowd could shake a stick at. Why would they, when they could grind and wind to the good stuff on the XXL main floor last Saturday?

So we did, under the blue lights and epic brick ceilings – as bassline after bassline was brandished by the big guns. Meanwhile, in the red room, other things were brandished and received with equal enthusiasm – while R’n’B and old school tracks were in rotation in the golden-hued back room bar.

Next week, it’s a session straight from the past with a 70s/80s spinoff, so dust off your Studio 54 spirit boys and get ready for a night of hedonism.

[Show as slideshow]

12►

Pulse, 1 Invicta Plaza, Southwark, SE1 9UF
Words by Yaf Brown
Photos by Mark Storey

17/04/15: Last weekend, the infamous hedonistic homo hideaway that is Mykonos landed in London for a spring-break-style, weekend-long festival to launch the upcoming season.

They brought a Mykonos Massive consisting of three super-talented queens, two hot muscle boys and one top DJ, at a three night spectacular in the Sky Bar in Millbank Tower.

The Elysium Hotel’s resident DJ Maze provided the dance and club house beats while a champagne supping and canapé snacking crowd danced and mingled in the sumptuous 28th floor bar with 360° panoramic city views.

On stage, über glamorous Vanessa Van Cartier showcased some stunning costumes for Nicole Scherzinger’s ‘Poison’ and Kelly Clarkson’s ‘Stronger’, Gloria Darling gave great lip-shake in a disco-opera number and New York hostess Epiphany Get Paid provided the all-singing, all-dancing comedy glue that held the show together, surrounded by muscle boys that were very easy on the eye.

Shirtless sailors kept the crowd amused and provided the perfect taste of the Greek white isle. So, with direct flights at less than £200, remind me, why am I still here?

[Show as slideshow]

12►

Altitude, Millbank Tower, 30 Millbank SW1P 4RS
Words and Photos by Chris Jepson

02/05/15: XXL ‘Kink’

Are you good at being a very naughty boy? If there’s a little kink in your tail, then you should hotfoot it to the baddest bear bash in town. Break out the leather, rubber or sports kit and get nasty to the hottest club sounds and remixes. You might even find a Daddy to spank you… if you’ve been bad enough.

Pulse, No 1 Invicta Plaza, SE1 9UF. 10pm-7am. £15 guests, £8 members.

02/05/15: Songs of Praise

Ready for a little religious education? Songs of Praise are joining forces with not one, but two pop-up editions of popular homo nights: East London favourite Body Talk and South London mainstay Meat! They’ll be bopping with resident pop princes The Sugalow Boys, David Oh and Neil Prince who’ll be in the main room spinning their special blend of classic pop, cool new tunes and chart-busters.

East Bloc, 217 City Road, EC1V 1JN. 10:30pm-6am. £5 before 11:30pm/£10 after.

02/05/15: G-A-Y Foam Party

It’s back and it’s about to get messier. Just when you thought it was safe to get back on the G-A-Y dance floor, they’re unleashing a barrage of thick white foam all over your faces. So it’s probably best to wear as little as possible. Obvs

Heaven, under the Arches, Villiers Street, Charing Cross, WC2N 6NG. 10.30pm-5am. £3 entry wristbands available at G-A-Y Bar.

02/05/15: Hotwired ‘Sports’

The horniest fetish-theme dance party in a car park is back for a special one-off Sports edition! Hotwired is expanding the dress code to include sportswear, as well as the expected leather and rubber. But don’t just turn up in a tracksuit… we want to see tight-fitting Adidas shorts, wrestling suits or skimpy Speedos, please! Expect the hottest muscle leather men, fit rubber boys and up-for-it sport dudes from across Europe, plus dark, sexy beats from the likes of Jon Delano, Brent Nicholls and Stewart Who?.

Ewer Street Car Park, 29 Great Suffolk St, SE1 0NS. 10pm-6am. £25 advance www.hotwiredlondon.com

02/05/15: Gold Diggers

More bang for your bucks! Infact, you don’t even need any bucks to come to this most awesomest club event at Egg London in Kings Cross – you just RSVP to the email below for FREE entry. What’s going down? Well, where do we start: Pagano, Per QX b2b Nic Fischer, Warboy, Nick Tcherniak b2b Kyle E, Borja Pena, Wandson Maxx, Cathal, Ursula Snakes, Samantha Togni, and more on the decks. Plus, performances from Smiley Vyrus, Lewis G Burton, Veronika Vesper and more.

Egg London, 200 York Way, Kings Cross, N7 9AX. 2pm-superlate. Last admission 10pm. FREE ADMISSION: RSVP to golddiggers@egglondon.co.uk

02/05/15: BEYOND presents WE PARTY PRISON

Get down and dirty in this R-rated affair that will see prisoners and wardens battle it out on the purpose-built prison stage as DJ Luiggi of WE Party Madrid and special guest Pagano hit the decks alongside Steve Pitron and Jamie Head to give you a musical journey that will leave you wanting more and more by the end of the night. Get your prison stripes on as prizes will be given out to the best looks. Just remember: Don’t drop the soap!

The Coronet, 28 New Kent Road, Elephant & Castle, SE1 6TJ. 11pm-7am. ID REQUIRED ON ENTRY.
The Bank Holiday Big Ticket includes WE Party @ Coronet, Beyond @ Fire and Circuit Festival pre-Party @ Ministry of Sound.

03/05/15: Beyond Official Ibiza Gay Pride Pre-Party

Beyond is giving you a cheeky taste of the White Island at the Official Ibiza Gay Pride pre-party! It’s gonna be a full-scale production with three rooms of music from the likes of Ben Manson, Fat Tony, GSP and Hifi Sean in the legendary Fire Main Room. Paul Heron, D’Johnny and Gonzalo Rivas will be taking things to a darker level in the Mirror Arch with their staple twists of tech, techno and deep house. Plus, Miswhite and Chris Brogan present an uptempo mix of classics and house.

Ministry of Sound, 103 Gaunt Street, Elephant & Castle, SE1 6DP. Midday-9pm. The Bank Holiday Big Ticket includes WE Party @ Coronet, Beyond @ Fire and Circuit Festival pre-Party @ Ministry of Sound.

18/04/15: Last Sunday night, the 12th April, performers at the Black Cap were told the venue was closing with immediate effect and the doors were bolted shut on north London’s most iconic LGBT venue, also known as the ‘Palladium of Drag’.

With a rich history stretching back more than 50 years, the Black Cap has always been at the centre of the north London gay scene. It was granted Asset of Community Value (ACV) status earlier this month by Camden Council.

Last Saturday, some 200 drag queens, activists, patrons, friends and even a Routemaster bus gathered outside the Cap for a peaceful protest to voice their anger and disgust that property developers can ride roughshod over such a beacon of LGBT history and culture.

Members of the old guard, Titti La Camp, Mrs Moore and Sandra joined forces with the new guard, Meth and the Familyyy Fierce for rousing speeches from the likes of: Nigel Harris, Camden LGBT Forum; Father Bernard Lynch, a Roman Catholic priest and outspoken HIV activist; and Ben Walters from the Black Cap and newly formed Save The RVT groups.

There were also messages of support from parliamentary candidates Diane Abbott and Tulip Siddiq and songs from the Pink Singers as well as snippets of the infamous Regina Fong. Despite the great sense of injustice felt by the loss of the pub, the crowd was in good spirits, cheering on the drag acts, regularly chanting “We Are The Black Cap”. Organiser Spike Rhodes was overwhelmed by the turn out for the event.

It is believed the gutting of the ground floor has already started with a case study on property development company Common Ground Finance’s website claiming it believed there was a strong possibility to “enhance the value of the building” by using the ground floor for retail space and converting the upper floors for flats. “We are expecting to put a new leisure tenant in, so it will remain as a leisure venue,” says Paul McGill, managing director of Common Ground Finance. “It’s [first floor redevelopment] to be discussed. We’re in slightly unchartered territory. We’re not used to buying a controversial site and equally it’s not my decision to close the pub…I’m only a buyer.”

Keep up to date through the #WeAreTheBlackCap Facebook page: www.bit.ly/WeAreTheBlackCap

[Show as slideshow]

Black Cap, 171 Camden High Street, NW1 7JY
Words and Photos by Chris Jepson 

Ben Walters explains why his working with a group of locals, promoters and performers to protect the Royal Vauxhall Tavern…

Last week saw the launch of a new campaign, RVT Future. Coming in the wake of the shock closure of the Black Cap, it aims to ensure a thriving future for the Royal Vauxhall Tavern, believed to be the UK’s oldest LGBTQ pub.

The campaign includes people from regular RVT nights like Bar Wotever, Big Bingo Show, Duckie, Eurofest, Hot Fuzz, the LipSinkers, Meat and Push the Button, as well as performers such as David Hoyle, Scottee, Boogaloo Stu, Harry Clayton-Wright, the Pink Singers and Gareth Joyner. Others on board include the writer of Pride, Stephen Beresford, the playwright Neil Bartlett and (full disclosure!) myself.

RVT Future is concerned because of the Tavern’s sale last year to a property developer that has so far declined to speak publicly about its intentions for the site.

The campaign hopes to work constructively with the owner, if it’s willing to engage. And we fully support the staff and management at the Tavern, whose passion and dedication help make it such a great place, and whose hard work and good intentions are not in question.

The campaign also knows how vital it is that the RVT can continue to operate as a commercially successful enterprise. There’s no point in smothering a venue in love only to end up suffocating it.

So far since the sale, it’s been business as usual at the Tavern – perhaps better than usual in some ways, with renovations made and new links to local charities. These are very welcome moves. The pub can only expect to thrive if it remains engaged with the community and commercially viable.

“It’s business as usual at the Tavern – perhaps better than usual in some ways, with renovations made and new links to local charities.”

But there’s a difference between a site being commercially viable and its owners seeking the most profitable possible use for it. And with the London property market the way it is, not least in Vauxhall, that probably wouldn’t mean a gay pub and cabaret venue – however well managed and supported by the community.

The fate of the Black Cap shows that when there are questions about the long-term future of an iconic venue whose owners won’t talk to the community, it’s just too risky to wait until the axe falls before starting to act.

The RVT’s queer history dates back to the 1940s and has persisted through the decriminalisation of homosexuality, the AIDS crisis and attempts to turn it into a backpacker hostel and a shopping centre.

When the police raided the Tavern in 1984, wearing rubber gloves because they were afraid of catching HIV, Lily Savage started a riot. When Freddie Mercury and Kenny Everett took Princess Diana out for the night – dressed as a boy – they came to the Tavern.

RVT Future has already secured asset of community value (or ACV) status for the Tavern. This means the council recognises its importance to the LGBTQ community and would be unlikely to allow a change of use. It also means that, if the venue is put up for sale again, the community gets six months to put together a bid at market value – although the owner wouldn’t have to accept it.

RVT Future has also asked English Heritage to make the Tavern a listed building – the first in the nation to be designated for its LGBTQ heritage. I researched and wrote the 15,000-word application, and was deeply moved by the community lineage I discovered.

A listing would be a great way to promote knowledge of the Tavern’s value, and would make it harder to knock down. It would not prevent alterations to the building required to ensure its commercial viability in line with its heritage.

We all know times change. But some things stay the same. Like our need for places of safety, friendship, art and joy that offer the freedom to be ourselves and express ourselves. Yet, week-by-week, they are disappearing from London.

RVT Future wants to help make sure the Royal Vauxhall Tavern remains.

For more information about RVT Future, see rvt.community and @RVTfuture

QX talks to promoters Suzie Krueger and Rob Rutt about the upcoming Hotwired Sports special…

After five years as a strict leather and rubber only club you’re doing Hotwired Sports. Why? 

Suzie: We wanted to try something new. Hotwired Sports is a one-off party. Lots of people ask us to do Hotwired more than once a year, so we decided to try a spring party and add sports to the dress code. We know a lot of guys love sportswear and a lot of younger guys can’t afford leather or rubber gear.

Can I still wear leather and rubber to Hotwired Sports?

Rob: Absolutely. It’s leather, rubber and sports.

So it’s still pretty strict.

Suzie: It’s a dress code party. People can’t turn up in jeans and a harness. Check the dress code on the website or email us.

What kind of thing do you include in Sports?

Rob: Sexy sports: football kit, Speedos, wrestling suits, rugby, jocks with long socks. We want people to make an effort so no manky tracksuits or baggy old gym shorts from school please.

Is Hotwired Sports in the regular Hotwired venue?

Suzie: Yes, we’re lucky enough to get Ewer Street Car Park for a May Bank Holiday date. We love that place.

What have you done to sort out the coat check issues from October?

Rob: We’re really sorry about what happened in October. Suzie and I were both gutted that it spoilt some people’s night and we’ve worked hard to make sure it doesn’t happen again. For this party we’ll have two separate coat checks. Plus, we’ve also hired extra washing facilities.

Will October be a Hotwired Sports, too?

Suzie: No. October will be a regular leather/rubber Hotwired like always.

Can we expect any surprises for this party?

Rob: Always!

Hotwired is a fetish party with but you also have a really busy dance floor. Why do you think that is?

Suzie: We have brilliant DJs like Jon Delano, Brent Nicholls and Tony Bruno playing great electro/techno/house. We also have an incredible light show and huge LED screen. Our dance room is a fun place to be! Plus, we have Lucious Flajore and Wes DB playing dirty grooves in the play area.

Any last word for Hotwired newbies?

Rob: Come down and see for yourself. It’s an incredible venue, we get the hottest guys, the dance floor is rammed and there’s zero attitude. There’s nothing like it in London. 

Wes DB Hotwired DJ Hot 5 

Pearson Sound – ‘Crank Call’
Excellent techno/bass hybrid from his recent album on Hessle Audio with a wonky hook that reels you in

Red Axes – ‘Na Da’
Dark and brooding track from the amazing Red Axes.

Kid Who – ‘Gap Related Injury’
Slow motion dark acid with great drums from the Dark Acid IV EP on Clan Destine Traxx. Dark and heavy!

Green Gums – ‘Cestoda’s Labyrinth’
Great industrial techno leaning track from the Black Tongue EP on the ever-excellent Diagonal records. This is gonna sound so sleazy slowed down for the dark area at Hotwired!

Marcellus Pittman – ‘There’s Somebody Out There’
One of my favourite records! I play this at every fetish event I get booked for. Loose limbed techno with the wonkiest bassline ever. Perfect for dark spaces.

Hotwired ‘Sports’ is at Ewer Street Car Park (29 Great Suffolk St, SE1 0NS) on Saturday 2nd May, 10pm–6am. £25 advance www.hotwiredlondon.com

Photography by Franc-off Godevi

Photos taken at Expectations (75 Great Eastern Street, London EC2A 3RY). Tel: 020 7739 0292. www.expectations.co.uk

G-A-Y head mistress Jeremy Joseph undertakes his sixth London Marathon in aid of the Elton John AIDS Foundation this weekend… not bad going for lil’ gay boy that once bunked off sports in school because he always got picked last.

The easiest way to describe my life at school in sport? It was very simple: you know when you get the two most popular boys in the class and they pick their teams? I was always the one left at the end and they would argue not to have me. I went to an all-boys school that played rugby and it scared me. The thought of a man tackling me scared me. (Now, of course, I love it.)

It made me feel like I should do Drama, and I did. My drama teacher was amazing. When games was on I used to go and hide in the drama block and help him out. Everything in my life has been based on me doing what I think I’m good at, so I was crap at sport at school, so I focused on other things.

I knew all my life I was gay, and I fancied my best friend. I was the class clown so I think that saved me from being picked on for being gay. It wasn’t the nicest of places, it was a very rough school. I wasn’t open about being gay, but one day I tried to come out. I told two guys at school, but both reacted negatively and I backtracked in a school-boy style saying I had just said it to see if they were gay. I had to go back in the closet.

“I always thought I was fat, and hated my body. I can’t put a reason on it, it was just always the way I felt.”

Since the age of sixteen I thought I was fat, and I did the stupidest things. I took diet pills and other stuff to kill my appetite to stop myself eating. I don’t know where that perception came from, always thinking that I am fat and hating my body. I can’t put a reason on it. It was just always the way I felt. I have things like I’ve worn the same belt for six years because it has a notch on it that I have to fit in, and I weigh myself twice a day.

But it got to the point where I was fucking up my body taking so many pills. It caused depression and mood swings and I couldn’t do it any more. I woke up one morning, and I’d got myself down to seven stone and decided to change it.

I tried going to the gym, but every personal trainer I used tried to make me do things that weren’t right for me, like making me bigger and more muscular and it wasn’t what I wanted. I got my own treadmill at home and it helped with my eating disorder because it gave me the courage to eat. I use the word courage, because that’s how I perceived it. I could justify having a proper meal because I could run the next day to burn the calories off.

One day we had a power cut and the whole street was out, so I went out to do a street run instead. I used to run an hour a day, but outside I could only manage two minutes. I thought it was ridiculous so I started running outside. One of the guys I ran with suggested he could get me a place in the London Marathon and I went along with it as a joke, putting it on Facebook and setting up a Justgiving page. I got sponsorship quite quickly and I suddenly thought, “Fuck, now I actually have to do it.”

I was petrified. I didn’t know what I’d let myself in for. I remember doing one run for about 12 or 13 miles and threw-up. As time went on I learned little things about taking carb gels at the right time, and how important it was to do sports massages regularly and wearing knee supports during training, not waiting until you have an injury.

When I finished my first London Marathon, I wanted to start crying. I swore when I did it, I’d never do it again. But now six years later, I’m still doing it. But I learned it helps me with my eating disorder, it keeps me healthy, and it keeps me running.

However, this year has been a nightmare, because I gotten over confidant and I over-trained and now have a shin splint injury. I had a dream of doing a four-hour marathon, but it’s not going to happen, I’ll be lucky if I don’t have to walk it!

Sponsor Jeremy at: www.justgiving.com/G-A-Y

Former Westlife heartthrob Markus Feehily will be bringing his addictive new single ‘Love is a Drug’ to G-A-Y this Saturday. Before that, the openly gay singer spoke with James Egan about everything from marriage equality in Ireland, to scary old ladies in Elephant & Castle.

So, ‘Love is a Drug’ – what inspired it?

A wanker. Honestly. It was someone who was just messing me about.

A timewaster?

Yeah, a timewaster, but then all of a sudden they’d say something and I’d think ‘oh maybe they’re just going through a weird time and they’re not actually this mean. Just give it time and they’ll be okay.” I just kept on going back. Every time I was like ‘That’s it! Never again!” but then I’d get a drunken text three weeks later and I’d end up replying.

A relapse.

Yeah exactly! It was just a repeated situation and in hindsight, it was wearing me down, slowly but surely. I actually became really unhappy. Frustrated with going back to a situation that was bad for me. That’s where the similarity to drugs was, if you know what I mean.

A metaphor for the addiction of love and the high and lows.

Exactly. A lot of people say they can relate to it. I know it’s a fairly standard thing and it happens to everyone. There’s that person that you know you shouldn’t and you just do.

I think everyone thinks they’ll outsmart it until it happens to them.

You know, I’m a mature adult now, I know what I’m doing and I’m not stupid. But then all of a sudden you fall for someone and you’re acting like a fucking 16 year old teenager again!

The video is fantastic too. It’s very intense.

I didn’t want it to be all boy-band-y, like lipsyncing down the camera and smiling. I wanted the song to be heard first and then somebody might go “Oh, that’s the guy from Westlife”. I’ve found in general that at times when I’ve led with “this is Mark from Westlife, have a listen to his song” people have a big preconception. My management have stopped telling people who it is, so they send the song and people are like “Oh my god, I love it, who is it?” Then they find out and they’re really surprised.

Like a sneak attack.

Yeah, like sneaking up from behind and going BOOM! I’m just taking a backseat, visually, for once.

There’s not a white overcoat or Timberland boot in sight in the video either. It’s a whole new look.

Exactly! I had the idea in my head of a lot of red. The colour of anger and frustration and danger. I wanted to make the entire video red. The director was like “Er, we need a little bit of non-red”. To be fair, I think that would have been hard to get on TV. It probably would have started sending people into fits.

You would have had to have a disclaimer before each play, like when there’s strobe lighting.

You should have seen the director when I told him I wanted the video to be in a darkroom.

Oh my God.

[Laughs] I meant a photographic darkroom!

Some of the video looks like it was filmed in Elephant and Castle. Those underpasses are scary. 

Yeah it was! Even the nicest, most innocent little grandma looks like she’s gonna take a knife out and chop your head off down there.

A woman once pulled down her knickers in front of me down there and took a piss. I’ve not been back since.

[Laughs] Oh my god.

You’re playing at G-A-Y very shortly, and I hear you have something special planned for your show?

The Irish marriage equality referendum is happening in May. As someone who’s been in relationships before and been in love and wanting to get married, I think it’s insane and quite weird to me that anyone would suggest that shouldn’t be the case. So I’ve been looking for the right opportunity to make my statement about it. It’s not going be a fucking Madonna-type statement though. I’m not going to be snogging Jeremy Joseph onstage. I’m just gonna incorporate it into the gig. Nothing mental. But I’m looking forward to it. I thought it would be a good opportunity. I’m doing it in a country where you already have what we’re fighting for in Ireland. Ireland should get with the program.

I think it’s the right platform and audience to weave it into the show.

Every time I go to Heaven, there are a million Irish people there. I’ll be sending them back on the plane with their vote in their back pocket. I’m looking forward to it, I’ve played G-A-Y loads of times with Westlife but I’ve never played at Heaven.

Ah, so you were at the Astoria before?

I was at the Astoria every second bloody weekend!

Markus Feehily is at G-A-Y @ Heaven (Under the Arches, Villiers Street, Charing Cross, WC2N 6NG) on Saturday 25th April, 11pm-5am. Discount entry wristbands available at G-A-Y Bar.

It’s hard to believe one of Gay Land’s hottest hangouts has been sexing up Soho for four years now! It’s even harder to believe its owner Alana Winter has a liver left. We went ‘round to see the boss, smacked her back to consciousness and drew out some slurred sentences on his thoughts about Circa’s gorgeous, talented DJs…

“I always envisioned Circa being a DJ bar, and wanted that family vibe where everyone you know and love/love to hate will always be there. I’m really proud of the talent that we’ve nurtured and the space that we’ve all created. Come and help us celebrate!”
Alan Winter, owner/head bitch

Munroe Bergdorf: “Mungo Hoof-hoff”
Thursday/Friday nights

The first DJ I chose to work at Circa. I hate being touched, but insists on touching me all the time. She’s also the only DJ on this photoshoot that insisted we install a fan to cool her off. I can never get into the booth when she’s playing, ‘cos it’s always full of hot boys and trendy oddballs – or she’s screeching with Kris Di Angelis! Her music’s amazing, she can play anything, and her Fridays are wonderful.

 
 Sam DMS: “The oldest twink in town”
Tuesday/Friday nights

Handsome, dependable, an amazing mixer, enthusiastic and far too energetic. He’s been with me forever, I take him to all the places I work at. Picture-wise, he’s also the King of Circa social media, the boys love him! I think he’s the only DJ who drives, too. Sam likes to go dogging – ask her yourself.

 
Adam Turner: “The closest thing we have to a ‘lad’. HA!”
Thursday/Saturday nights

He walked in, asked for a job and never left. I always go to him for advice and let’s not forget the hotness! He’s building his own amazing career outside of the bar. Considering nobody knew him when he walked through the door, he’s now resident at Heaven, remixes big artists, produces his own songs and gets flown all around the world to DJ. I had to ban him from sleeping with customers before he settled down.

 
 Attack Attack Attack: “Yes, GAGA!!!”
Wednesday nights

She doesn’t age, I hate her! I almost didn’t keep her, as she was a bit too “out there” for me. But I’m glad I did! he’s brought a cool, Shoreditch vibe but adapted it to Soho. The Su Pollard of Gay Town, who knows what eye-popping outfit she’s going to wear next? Always lovely, always smiling and he’s working on some SERIOUSLY sexy music.

 Jonathan Bestley: “Post-gender Princess”
Thursday/Sunday

So young, and still learning what level of alcoholic refreshment is required… and how not to break a glass table. She’s so small, one drunken night we decided she could probably fit in a bin bag. And she did! I get so many questions about his gender. Here’s the answer: he’s just Jonathan. He also has the biggest catalogue of old/obscure disco tunes. Not bad for the son of a vicar!

 Louis Chatten: “The new boy”
Wednesday

She’s so pretty! Our fresh new talent, there’s a lot to come with this boy, and he’s already in demand around town. I love how he looks absolutely horrified at how bitchy we are to each other. She’ll learn. Wednesdays are going to be very exciting with those Bambi-like eyes peering over the decks.

Circa is at 62 Frith Street, Soho, W1. The 4th Birthday is Sunday 3rd May.

When is the right time to tell somebody about your HIV status? Writer Paul Emelion presents a witty take on what you might expect to be an otherwise heavy subject matter.

Tackling HIV in gay theatre is not new, but delivering the message in such a bold comedy style is certainly a novel route to take. It’s a little unnerving to be sat there in a theatre, unsure at first whether we should be embracing the jokes that revolve around such a hugely life-altering moment that is confronting one’s HIV status. As things get under way it soon becomes apparent that when it comes to tragedy, it’s never truer a phrase that if you don’t laugh, you’ll cry. And life’s certainly too short for that.

Hector (Reed Stokes) is throwing a party, and has decided to entertain in full drag for the first time, too. New pal Gucci (aka Prada, Armani, etc) is helping out, serving drinks and preparing quiches – “It’s like a lesbian Oscar night party,” he squeals! Gucci, played by Dimitrios Raptidis, gets the best lines and sharpest gags of the night, perfectly capturing the essence of the stereotypical Columbian masseur.

Pippin (Conleth Kane) arrives, tightly packed into his denim shorts delivering quote after quote from his favourite musicals. Although his last musical experience wasn’t too great – he decided to reveal his HIV status to his latest love interest during the interval of Wicked. The announcement didn’t go to well. Hector meanwhile, is awaiting the arrival of his ex-boyfriend (from whom he contracted HIV) and his new lover.

“The pathos and emotive moments contrast against the fast paced put-downs and high camp moments.”

The night derails as Pippin’s emotional rollercoaster picks up pace and the others engage each other with withering put-downs in comedic fashion, before it takes a more somber and reflective pace in the second half. The pathos and emotive moments contrast against the fast paced put-downs and high camp moments. That’s life after all, isn’t it?

Above The Stag is the only full-time gay theatre in the UK, and for such an intimate space it commands and deserves our attention. From the high camp frivolity of Bathhouse the Musical to more touching and engaging stage plays like Rise Like A Phoenix, it exemplifies the importance of how theatre offers such a unique opportunity to combine the vital issues that permeate through our community in a way that is both entertaining yet ultimately touching.

Above the Stag Theatre, 17 Miles Street, Vauxhall, SW8 1RZ.
Runs to Sunday 3rd May.
www.abovethestag.com

First things first – who should you vote for? Here’s a brief intro to the party leaders:

David Cameron – Conservative
An insane capitalist tyrant who must be stopped. Definitely a candidate for having touched a bum hole at Eton. 

Ed Miliband – Labour
An insane communist despot who must be stopped. Has his own teenage-groupie hashtag #milifandom (not a joke).

Nick Clegg – Liberal Democrat
Poor Michelle.

Natalie Bennett – Green
Her real name is ‘Dream Forest’ and she lives on a mung bean farm.

Nicola Sturgeon – Scottish National Party
Fishy realness. Loves to scalp English people with her big Scottish claws.

Nigel Farage – New Monster Raving Loony Party
Who?

Who Wore it Best?

Daves totally nails the cutesy “vote for me” vibes in this striking summer two-piece. Pairing the navy blue suit with the complimentary royal blue tie and revealing white shirt, brings out the softness of his complexion but still says he’s the leader of the fashion-pack. But uh-oh, just a few weeks earlier someone else was spotted in the same thing…

Ed is normally more experimental with his fashion choices (remember the nude latex body suit?), so it’s nice to see him pared down in simple, elegant chic for a change. And boy can he work it! The white shirt says he’s ready for business but the blue tie shows he’s still got a wild side. Watch out for this one on the streets of Doncaster North!

Cleggy has taken a fashion beating of late, but with this forward-thinking, and oh-so-revealing number he’s put himself right back in the game. The chic line of the lapel flatters his weather-beaten demeanour, and he pairs it brilliantly with just the right level of accessories. None.

The Winner

All three work this look amazingly, with their own unique style, and looking super foxy! It’s a tough call, but we think Cleggy just pips it; his rock-star hair and devil-may care smile give him the fashion edge.

Party Leader Dating Profiles

Cameron

Profile Name: OiOiEtonboi

Role: Top

About mxe: Just a sane sorted normal guy looking for slaves.

Clegg

Profile name: Looking4luv

Role: Bottom

About me: Lonely guy searching for Mr Right or just someone who gets me! LOL. Open to anything really. Will reply to all msgs.

Miliband

Profile name: RedEdDudemeister

Role: Vers

About me: Into cosy nights in, drinks with pals and World of Warcraft. Love to wrestle.

Sturgeon

Profile name: Scotgal_2015

Role: Top

About me: New to this. Looking for English ladz to dominate.

No timewasters.

Bennett

Profile name: mysticdragontamer

Role: Vers

About me: Cat loving laid back chick. Love sunsets, BDSM and extreme feet play.

Farage

Profile name: 3lions_brit

Role: Bottom

About me: Married guy. Not into hook ups. Just looking. PM me.

• The People’s Republic of Bourgeois of Maurice is at Brighton Spiegeltent on 9th May. www.brightonspiegeltent.com 

• Middle of the Road with David Hoyle is at Soho Theatre 3rd-13th June. www.sohotheatre.com

Unless you live on Uranus, you’d have probably noticed there’s a General Election just around the corner. And the leaders of all the major political parties have been setting out their manifestos, which strangely set off our narcolepsy. So, we thought we’d jazz the whole grey affair up a bit. Everyone knows drag queens run the world, anyway, so this week YOUR queens present their manifesto pledges… 

Rose Garden

As a member of the Eyeshadow Cabinet, I propose a tax on everyone who comes to a show and insists on standing right at the front and talking utter bollocks really loudly. That’s the drag queens job! From the huge revenue raised, we can employ make-up artists to go into every school and give compulsory classes on blending. You only have to look at Bette Rinse and myself to see how this would have helped us.

Holestar 

Drag princesses would undergo an intensive training course before they become a Queen. This would involve queer herstory beyond Drag Race, how to blend their make-up, have talent, and learn to have a sense of humour about the whole thing. Anyone found screeching Drag Race clichés will fail immediately and have their wigs burned. Oh, and there will also to be a national ban on txt speak. Especially ‘LOL’.

Nancy Clench 

As the Parliamentary Candidate for Plumpsbury North, I’ve already been out and about with my manifesto: #HungryForChange, because I believe I was born to feed. I know that an increase in good local bakers, mainly Greggs, will support our economy and get growth back on the agenda.

Son Of a Tutu

My drag manifesto would be to place a ban on boy-bands! There are far too many around and One Direction have taken all of LaVoix’s bookings. In addition, I’d place a ‘bitch slap a day’ levy on all those who’ve been struck down by Katie Hopkins mania, until they’re back on the road to common sense recovery.

Charlie Hides

I would make entry to cabaret venues free on the NHS. If you were feeling sad, lonely or depressed your GP could write a prescription to see me at the RVT. The prescription would also include an open bar, and in order to pay for this, we’d just impose a £100 fine for every inch that a man lies about the size of his dick on Grindr. We’d all be drinking free FOREVER!

Sink the Pink

We would make Dinah Lux The Queen! Yes, the actual Queen. Move over Liz and make space at the palace because our Dinah has got brains and beauty for days! EVERYONE must watch her Ted talk on YouTube: ‘Painted Face of a Queer Culture’ in which she talks about how Sink the Pink take over heteronormative spaces (working men’s clubs/strip clubs) and ‘queer them up’. And we’d make it law for all high fashion shoe designers to make heels up to a size 12.

“Everything that’s made of apolyester would become tax-free.”

The LipSinkers

All new bills will be brought before the house by playing someone else’s record and mouthing the words. And we’d bring back milk!

Baga Chipz 

In a country run by me, head of The EBP (Elegant Bastard Party), gin and tonic would be running from every household tap in the UK! Football, golf, cricket and snooker will be banished and replaced by Corrie, EastEnders and Loose Women. You must eat battered sausages on a Sunday, and the only singers allowed on the radio would be Jane McDonald, Cilla Black, Su Pollard, Liza Minnelli and Black Lace. Vote EBP! Vote Elegance! Vote Baga!

Sheila Simmonds 

Everything that’s made of polyester would become tax-free and instead of the yearly fuel allowance for pensioners, every drag queen that wears heels over 1cm would be given a monthly allowance for pedicures and lower leg massages.

You don’t need to be rich to be fabulous, that’s the ethos behind powerhouse party Gold Diggers, as they return for their sophomore soiree at Egg London this Saturday 2nd May.

It’s one year since Gold Diggers hatched out of the Egg like a big, glittering chick, fusing the edgy decadence of the East London scene with burlesque performance elements, all set against the stunning background of the ever-changing Egg London. Even more reason to celebrate; the Egg is having a birthday too, as it enters it’s twelfth year on the same day.

Chief host (and also venue owner) Laurence Malice will be overseeing the oragnised club chaos being wrought by a platinum-grade DJ line up, including Pagano, Per QX, Nic Fisher, Warboy, Borja Peña, The Roustabouts, Bruno Bass, Lucious Flajore, Nick Tcherniak, Kyle E, Cathal and Samantha Togni

Handpicked hosts including La Pequeña, A Man to Pet and Jacqui Potato will be ensuring the party vibe flows throughout the afternoon, while visual delights and performances from the likes of Veronika Vesper, Smiley Vyrus and Lewis G Burton.

Most importantly though, entrance to Gold Diggers is completely and utterly free of charge! All you cheeky buggers need to is fire an RSVP over to golddiggers@egglondon.co.uk and you’ll be granted complimentary entry to this treasure trove of delights.

So, as we said, you don’t need to be rich to be fabulous. A couple of quid for the bar might help though.

• Gold Diggers is at Egg London (200 York Way, N7 9AX) Saturday 2nd May, 2pm-late. Free entry. RSVP to golddiggers@egglondon.co.uk

What did each of the main parties’ manifestos have to say about LGBTQ issues? We put on our investigative wig caps, opened Google, and found out…

Green Party Plans to provide mandatory HIV, sex and relationship advice in schools and urge all other Commonwealth states to decriminalise homosexuality, which Her Maj will be pleased about cos it’s definitely something she’s been meaning to do for ages.

Labour Says it will tackle homophobic hate crime and appoint an International LGBT Rights Envoy to work towards the decriminalisation of homosexuality worldwide. Maybe with a new sales tactic- “No Gays, No Guns” or “Like our arms? You’ll LOVE our homos”.

Lib Dems The first party to commit to a gay rights policy in 1975, the Lib Dems say they’ll make homophobic chanting at football matches illegal and tackle international gay rights issues. And when the Lib Dems say they’re gonna do something you can damn well bet they might possibly maybe try… a bit.

Conservatives They’re still trying to make the Big Society happen (get over it guys, move on), so there’s lots of general talk about promoting tolerance. They also say they’ll pardon criminalised gay people from the past, which is important to Tories because that’s where they live.

SNP Says it will “make the case for the establishment of a special envoy – a diplomatic post within the Foreign Office – to promote the rights of LGBTI people throughout the world, as an integral part of UK foreign policy”. Very much what Labour said. Um, hello, starting a coalition much?! It always starts with the gays.

UKIP Nothing to see here folks, go home. UKIP didn’t include any mention of LGBT issues in their manifesto so we ain’t gonna mention them anymore here. That dick with the pint glass has had enough air-time.

• Got opinions about things? We want to hear them, tweet: @bourgmaurice and @QXmagazine and use the hashtags: #politiclol and #QXGayLondon

• The People’s Republic of Bourgeois of Maurice is at Brighton Spiegeltent on 9th May. www.brightonspiegeltent.com 

• Middle of the Road with David Hoyle is at Soho Theatre 3rd-13th June. www.sohotheatre.com

23/04/15: Vauxhall. That strange world of chem sex and property development. Most gays view Vauxhall as a place to pass through, a crossroads where every direction leads to a heady mix of pleasure (or occasionally regret!) and somewhere to stumble out of, wondering vaguely what day it is and whether you still have a job. If your mum says you can get pregnant from a toilet seat then logically it’s probably best to wrap your ovaries in cling film before setting foot in Vauxhall. It’s that sort of place. Right? 

Well no, turns out people live in those houses. 24hour bacchanals are all very well, but it’s election time and the word on resident’s lips is community. What better place then for a debate of the local party hopefuls to show the gay community that they give a damn than the Royal Vauxhall Tavern – a historic landmark of gay culture in London that will probably be knocked down along with everything else we quite like in London unless we start to get a bit more angry about stuff. And things. I am deeply angry about things.

Reigning champion/Vauxhall MP/badass perm model Kate Hoey has been the one to beat for over 25 years now, so forgive me if I’m not on tenterhooks come election but we can all accept this is a fairly safe Labour seat. Unfortunately, for the purposes of this debate the other parties seem to have come to the same conclusion and decided to save their heavy hitter for more winnable battles; so this evening we have contenders alternatively lacking in charisma or experience throwing themselves against Castle Kate only to have their broken bodies swept aside to a crowd chorus of “Bollocks”. Did I mention a lot of the crowd shouted profanities? Best part of the evening.

If the ‘debating’ wasn’t up to much (it amounted in the end to little more than a restatement of party policies) the truly inspired aspect of the evening was the location. In my opinion all political debates should take place in a bar. Or a magical forest. Some place where the stranglehold of polite servility can break down and carefully rehearsed answers fall apart (judging by her answers, it is debatable whether Green Party candidate Gulnar Hasnain rehearsed at all). People eagerly took the chance to vocally support the issues that matter to them, and tell the candidates to “bugger off” when they were being insincere.

Most revealing is that while the standard big election topics dominated (immigration, economy, education, housing) it was not in the self-preserving ‘what can my government do for me’ mentality that more Conservative leaning parties rely upon. This particular audience overwhelmingly supported a Britain that stands up for persecuted immigrants, where the poor and the sick do not suffer under the bedroom tax or hated ATOS program, where a stronger economy isn’t used to justify throwing people out of perfectly good homes so they can be knocked down and rebuilt as exclusive riverfront property.

It turns out that no matter how comfortable gay men have become in London they still remember what it feels like to be persecuted and they have long memories as to where that persecution has traditionally come from. Poor luck then for Tory representative James Bellis who was flogging a dead horse with his support of housing associations, maintaining the bedroom tax and a parental participation into school syllabuses which one audience member loudly surmised as “homophobic schools, for homophobic parents, to create homophobic children”. Add in a curious segue that seemed to imply that big business was being unfairly attacked and was in need of more government defenders and it wasn’t the ‘We’re all in this together’ argument the party needs us to believe.

“It turns out that no matter how comfortable gay men have become in London they still remember what it feels like to be persecuted.”

More successful was Liberal Democrat Adrian Hyyryläinen-Trett, a man with an unpronounceable surname that ranks him somewhere with the Nicole Scherzingers of the world. He was strong and outspoken on gay issues and his very existence as an openly HIV positive candidate is a sign of fantastic progress, but he comes across too much as a one issue politician who would be great for gay rights, but may be ignored on other issues. Still, he outshone his Conservative and Green candidates in terms of being relatable and relevant.

What Vauxhall needs is a leader who understands the game but has some ethical accountability and that is what Kate Hoey wants voters to know they already have, even criticising Labour-led Lambeth on many issues. Her clarion call that “This country must always have room for refugees” is the sort of inspired simplicity of intent that make’s the Green’s “we’ve got to stop all that” seem absurdly childish. With the public increasingly tired of rhetoric and wanting to understand where people truly stand on issues, Kate is the candidate who is listening. Based on this debate, some of the other candidates should get used to playing catch up.

The Vauxhall Tavern, 372 Kennington Lane, Vauxhall, SE11 5HY.
Words by Damien Killeen
Photos by Angus Wharton

Holi cari! From Madrid’s WE Party, to the Ibiza Pride Pre-Party, to Barcelona’s Circuit Pre-Party, it’s one hell of a Spanish fiesta in south London this weekend. To save you from behaving like a Brit aboard in Benidorm, we asked Dom Top, QX’s resident Hispanophile and writer of (unpublished) autobiography ‘Spain in my Ass’, to take us through the dos and don’ts of partying with your Spanish amigas…

DO

• Mean what you say: the Englishman’s stereotypical politeness is endlessly frustrating to Spaniards. Bullshit and lip service is NOT appreciated.
• Pay your respects to the Spanish queens in London: La Pequeña, Gretta Gargola, Deborah Diblanc, Raul Pony… they made a lot of effort with their looks, so obedecer las reinas! Especially if they want a cheeky besito.
• Know your basic Spanish geography: Madrid is the third biggest city in Europe and one of the world’s most beautiful. It’s also landlocked, so asking questions like “What are the best beaches in Madrid?” will likely go down about as well as a poop in the paella. Familiarise yourself with places like Barcelona, Seville and Sitges, too.
• Be generous: not just with drinks (although buying una cerveza at Beyond won’t hurt) but with your time, your attention, your home and your heart. Show you are not a fair-weather friend and it’s amigas x 100pre!
• Have a sense of humour: The Spanish are a very warm and hilarious people. They love to laugh, (seriously, check out shows like Sálvame for a taste of Spanish humour) so crack some good jokes, zorra.
• Learn some Spanish: Your friends have made a lot of effort to speak your native tongue, show them some appreciation and brush-up on some español. Check out our handy phrase key for starters.

DON’T

• Make fun of any mispronunciations: It’s trashy and not clever. Can you speak flawless Spanish? Or Catalan? Or Basque? No. You probably can’t.
• Expect to be going to bed early: If there was a nation of party people, it’s the people of Spain and they do it well. Grab a coffee, head to the Ibiza Pride Pre-Party, and brace yourself, you’re in this hasta mañana.
• Sit down and stare at your phone:Jesucristo! You’re in WE Party, get up, enjoy the shows, the pyrotechnics and, most of all, the dancing! Estoy bailando contigo! 
• Once again, don’t be so bloody British: If you don’t like something, say it! There’s nothing more annoying to Spanish people than the British obsession with putting up and shutting up. Honesty is the best policy.

KEY PHRASES

Cariño/Cari – Darling. Perfect substitute for “babe”, or whatever you use when you can’t remember a name.

Salimos esta noche? – Are you out tonight? Hint: the answer is always ‘SI!’

Venga!  – Come! Not like that, you dirtbag, as in ‘hurry!” You don’t wanna get stuck in the queue all night.

Guapo – A handsome gentleman. A nice one to slip into the conversation with that cute boy from Bilbao

Osea, perdona? – Uhhh, excuse me? If you’ve got a weave, now is the time to flip it.

Que te jodan! – Fuck you! Always handy to know.

Lo más – Literally “the most”. Use it like you would “awesome!” etc

Puta – I love you. Jajajaaa KIDDING! It means ‘whore’.

That should get you started, cari. Suerte!

MADRID IN LONDON…

WE Party: Prison is at Coronet Theatre (8 New Kent Road, SE1 6TJ), Saturday 2nd May, 11pm-7am.

IBIZA IN LONDON…

Beyond: Official Ibiza Gay Pride Pre-Party is at Fire (South Lambeth Road, SW8 1RT), Sunday 3rd May, 4:30am-superlate.

BARCELONA IN LONDON…

Circuit Festival: Daytime Terrace Party is at Ministry of Sound (103 Gaunt Street SE1 6DP), Sunday 3rd May, midday-9pm. 

• All three events are available as part of the May Bank Holiday Big Ticket, £30 advance. www.orangenation.co.uk/tickets/

You may have heard that David Cameron’s job as Prime Minister is up for grabs. He wants to stay in the role, so we put him in the hot seat to see where he sits on some key LGBT issues. Does he get the job? You decide on 7th May.

Earlier this year Ivan Massow said that many gay men are Conservative in their beliefs without realising it in terms of their opinions on such things as entrepreneurship and home ownership. What are the core values of the Conservatives as you see them?

To me, the central values of Conservatism are freedom, aspiration and love of our country.  Conservatives believe that if you give people freedom and responsibility, they will grow stronger and society will grow stronger. Our country is made great not through the action of government alone, but through the flair, ingenuity and hard work of the British people.

Aspiration is central to this because we believe in helping everyone achieve their potential and get on in life, regardless of background. We believe that those who work hard and do the right thing should be rewarded, and the weakest and most vulnerable should be looked after. This is why at this General Election I am offering a clear economic plan for a brighter, more secure future for all.

So, yes, we are the party of entrepreneurship and home ownership and much more besides – this is what our long-term economic plan, with the help we’re giving to first-time buyers, is all about: giving people security at every stage of their life.

Conservatives also love our country: its people, history, and role in the world. We understand and are proud of what we are – which means celebrating our rich diversity and being open and respectful of each other, whatever race, sexual orientation or background.

“We believe that those who work hard and do the right thing should be rewarded, and the weakest and most vulnerable should be looked after.”

What role will a Conservative government play in combating the human rights abuses suffered by LGBT people in other Commonwealth countries?

I think this is really important.  Through the measures we’ve taken here, the UK is leading the way globally on LGBT rights, and we should use that experience to encourage others to follow our lead. In the Commonwealth, we’ve acted to raise the profile of LGBT issues, including the signing of a new Charter in 2013 which commits member countries to ‘equality and respect…for all without discrimination on any grounds’.  Obviously, there is still much work to do to make that a reality, but I raise these issues with Commonwealth leaders at every opportunity, as do ministers across government, and we will continue to do so.

In practical terms, through our overseas aid programme we are supporting LGBT activists on the ground lobbying for improvements in their own countries, and working with organisations like the Human Dignity Trust, Stonewall and Kaleidoscope to support their efforts to tackle homophobia and transphobia worldwide.

An NSPCC ChildLine survey has concluded that a tenth of 12 to 13-year-olds fear they are “addicted” to pornography, one in five had seen pornographic images that had shocked or upset them, and that 12% of those surveyed said they had taken part in, or had made, a sexually explicit video. With the Education Committee overwhelmingly in favour of statutory relationship & sex education in all English schools that is LGBT inclusive, isn’t it time this was made law?

Those figures from the NSPCC show this is a real problem, and it is currently too easy for children to access adult content on websites without restriction. That’s why we have announced plans for more effective controls to stop children accessing inappropriate and damaging material. We will require online pornography distributors to put in place effective age verification controls (such as the need to enter credit card details) to stop children accessing material, and we’ll ensure an independent regulator has the powers it needs to enforce this, with the ability to block websites of those distributors who refuse to comply

I do also agree that Personal, Social and Health Education (PSHE), and education generally, should prepare pupils for life in modern Britain, which includes LGBT relationships.  It should promote our core British values of tolerance and respect, and recognise that those values apply to everyone.   But rather than focusing on making the subject statutory, which I think could lead to it just becoming a tick box exercise, we’ve taken steps to improve the quality of PSHE teaching with a new charter mark for schools that teach it well, so other schools can learn from their example.

A disturbingly high 24% of young homeless people identify as LGBT. How will you address this issue?

We take the issue of homelessness very seriously. The measures we’ve already taken through prevention services in local authorities have had an effect, with overall homelessness now around half what it was under the last Labour government.  But of course I recognise that young LGBT people can face particular problems. That’s why it’s so important that we work with charities and voluntary organisations, like the Albert Kennedy Trust, which has a long record of expertise on this issue.  We have also changed the law to allow councils to work with those groups to help single homeless people find a place to live in the private rented sector. We’ve given funding for that, providing Crisis with £13 million to help homeless single people find stable accommodation, which has helped over 9,300 people since 2010.

What are your thoughts related to introducing other passport options on passports other than Male or Female (such as in Australia with the option of ‘X’) for those that identify as Transgender or Intersex?

I understand the concerns of people who want to have their gender recorded differently on their passport, but this is a complex issue, particularly given the risk that people might encounter difficulties with entry restrictions into other countries. We would want to consider these issues carefully, and study the experience of those countries which have done it before making any proposals for change.

If you could have only one as your ‘Minister for Music’ who would it be and why: Madonna, Kylie, Beyonce or Britney?

I’d prefer a great British artist, perhaps someone like Adele or Sam Smith? But I noticed that Madonna recently posted a picture of Margaret Thatcher, and she did sing ‘True Blue’…

Red, yellow, green, blue… the political spectrum covers all the colours of the rainbow. We decided to match each party’s signature colour with its corresponding Handkerchief Code to find out what these fabulous perverts get up to in the Westminster bogs.

Tory Blue

Anal

The kind of selfish tops who always finish first and say shit like ‘no hanky panky on a school night’.

Lib Dem Yellow

Watersports

The wild card everyone’s considered at some point or another.

UKIP Purple 

Piercing

Pain! Infection! Regret! These guys know how to party.

Labour Red 

Fisting

Fuck the laundry bill and the loose butt flaps tomorrow, let’s live for the moment.

Greens Green 

Hustler 

Buying or selling? They’re really not bothered as long as the lube is Fairtrade and made from Hemp juice.

• Got opinions about things? We want to hear them, tweet: @bourgmaurice and @QXmagazine and use the hashtags: #politiclol and #QXGayLondon

• The People’s Republic of Bourgeois of Maurice is at Brighton Spiegeltent on 9th May. www.brightonspiegeltent.com 

• Middle of the Road with David Hoyle is at Soho Theatre 3rd-13th June. www.sohotheatre.com

For his final issue at QX, Editor Cliff asked me if I’d review Panti’s current run at the Soho Theatre for him. Of course, I obliged. He made a point of reminding me to bring my note pad and pen.

by Jonny Woo

I’d been in town all day and left it ‘til minutes before showtime to grab a receipt book and red biro from the newsagents’ opposite the Soho Theatre.

As the final bars of All Saints’ ‘Pure Shores’ faded out and the lights dimmed, the auditorium went totally dark and all eyes focused on Panti Bliss entering through the haze and lights, resplendent in an emerald silk bodycon dress, Swarovski heels and trademark blond curls.

She launched swiftly into hilarious machinegun patter with the audience (this is one drag queen right at the top of her game) before relating to us the details of, in sharp and witty anecdotal style, ‘Pantigate’.

Like some medium, I scrawled on my pad before giving up, it was pitch black, I couldn’t see a thing that I was writing. Almost illegibly, I’d managed to jot down: ‘fishing village’, ‘mining town’, ‘Rupert Everett’, ‘The Iona Institute’, ‘defamation’, ‘the gays would have fucking killed me’ and ‘I am Panti’.

Funnily, these notes sum up the show’s content for me. Slightly surreal off the cuff stand-up one-liners; deliciously indulgent celebrity anecdotes; and one woman’s unsolicited battle against a nation’s moral bastion and the realization she was now, suddenly, the unexpected voice of the entire gay population.

I don’t need to relate the details of Pantigate, watch the now legendary YouTube video of her speech at the Abbey Theatre and go see the show, Panti will tell you exactly what happened.

The point is Panti’s recent story is extraordinary and for someone who singularly challenged a nation’s ingrained homophobia and went onto deliver a speech which touched people across the globe, it’s a one told with self-effacing wit, assurity and the familiarity of a good friend.

She ironically snaps that she’s “a national fucking treasure”. We know that she means: “I’m told I’m something special, but I’m really just like you.”

“Confession is never far away, though, and underpinning the jokes is a personal truth. It’s clear to see why, as annoying as she tells us it is, people look to her for leadership and assurance.”

We hang on to her every word. We know that beneath the convivial tone it’s an historic story. The strong Irish contingent appreciates her national significance and the queers in the crowd appreciate her cultural status. Panti admits that the whole experience of being thrust into the media’s spotlight was truly horrifying at times, yet she exudes the confidence of one whose integrity won round a once part-hostile populous.

A side-step into a story about meeting Madonna at a funeral leads us into lighter territory and we go into more familiar club material about Brazilians, cruising sites and tranny-chasers with cheeky jibes at audience members, all of which in the hands of lesser performers could come across as crass and ill-considered, but delivered with Panti’s virtuosic talent come across as affectionate teasing, finished off with a “but you know it’s true” flick of the hair.

Confession is never far away, though, and underpinning the jokes is a personal truth. It’s clear to see why, as annoying as she tells us it is, people look to her for leadership and assurance.

This is a bold show of truly accomplished spoken word, which I absolutely loved. We laughed out loud, listened attentively, relished in the mischief, adored the fashion (of course) and learnt a lot about the man behind the very feminine star.

For such a personal show it was refreshing that not once did she veer towards sentiment and the tear in the eye from her final story was heartfelt, empowering and well earned. That red biro scrawl in my receipt book reads like the familiar mark of solidarity on social media for those who fight our cultural wars. ‘I am Panti’.

• Soho Theatre, 21 Dean Street, W1D 3NE. Runs to 2nd May. 

www.sohotheatre.com