The Federal Department of Corrections at G-A-Y Penitentiary Heaven opens its doors to visitors on Saturday July 11th. Warden Jacob invites you to take a look a look around and meet some of the inmates detained at Her Majesty Jeremy Joseph’s pleasure, as well as a sexy new employee arriving soon…
Big C
The Head Bitch in Charge of G-A-Y State Pen, Big C lives up to her nickname: just like cancer, sooner or later, she’s gonna get you. Known for whispering “I got you babe” into her victim’s ear before blowing them away, she’s been around forever and a day, yet still doesn’t understand Twitter.
Honey Bee
Ruthless gangland queen Honey Bee ran her criminal network with an iron fist. Known as The Hive, it was one of the most dangerous and vicious enterprises in history. People dared not to cross them. Regularly recruited dozens of single ladies to do her bidding, in an attempt to run the world.
Mad Madge
Mob boss Madge once ruled the streets of New York and beyond. A genius in her day, repeated falls off of horses, buildings and stages have rendered her mind a jumbled mess, leading her to believe she’s still 25 years old. Was finally convicted after an episode of lewd behaviour in a hotel lobby.
Caga Tia
Theatre school drop out Caga Tia is serving a life sentence for repeated copyright infringements and plagiarism. Can usually be seen at the edges of the exercise yard or cafeteria, furiously scribbling notes as she watches other inmates closely. Has been known to belt out a fairly impressive Sound of Music medley though.
The Lilt Ladies
Comprised of Barbadian Robyn and Southern belle BJ, the Lilt Ladies were formidable debt collectors and assassins, known by their signature cry of “Bitch better have my money” before beating their victim’s brains out with a highly choreographed series of arm movements and weave whips. Currently run a prison business selling homemade versions of soft drinks to inmates made out of club soda and shower gel. It is horrible.
Elevator Eyes
Unbalanced, aggressive and utterly unpredictable, Elevator Eyes was an acolyte of Honey Bee, some say they were as close as sisters. Incarcerated after a vicious Street Fighter-style assault on an unknown male in an elevator. When threatened, has been known to scream “GOING DOWN!” before unleashing a whirlwind of violence.
Officer Jonas
Fresh-faced and pert-bummed officer Jonas is a new arrival at G-A-Y State Pen. Arriving on July 18th, keep an eye out for him. Those devilishly sexy cheekbones and that beautiful, velvety voice could cause anybody to let their guard (or pants) down. Watch his temper too, we’ve heard he gets jealous…
•The Federal Department of Corrections at G-A-Y Penitentiary Heaven opens at G-A-Y @ Heaven (Under the Arches, Villiers Street, Charing Cross, WC2N 6NG) on Saturday 11th July, 11pm-5am. £2 entry wristbands available at G-A-Y Bar.