This is our motorbike issue, so start your engines and sling a leg over! It’s all about chrome, distressed leather and sputtering pistons. When you put it like that it’s not surprising that gay bikers are a thing, is it?
In honour of this, Dylan Jones has done a round-up of the top motorbike moments in pop! He’s never actually driven a motorbike before, but he’s slept with a couple of bikers, and he’s seen the music video for Timebomb by Kylie at least 3000 times, so he’s totes qualified.
Lady Gaga – Judas
Ok so let’s start as we mean to go on and just jump straight in with the video for Lady Gaga’s Judas, which was basically a gay biker’s wet dream. Hot guys in leather, an open freeway, Lady Gaga, the whole shebang! Judas was a TUNE as well. In fact that whole album was pretty iconic. Remember that ridiculous artwork featuring a motorbike with her head on it. Born This Way was an amazing album. Remember Americano? Remember Government Hooker?! Back when everyone wasn’t sick of her. Sigh.
Girls Aloud – Wake Me Up
This is actually my favourite Girls Aloud song. They don’t make pop songs like this anymore. There just aren’t any like Girls Aloud these days. Unsung poets of our times. Anyway in the video they’re all on motorbikes, whipping their hair around, putting ona right show. They all get into it except Nicola, who looks a bit worried. Meanwhile Sarah’s revving past them all laughing maniacally. Probably had a few drinks beforehand. If you’d like some more Sarah Harding trivia, refer to our Sarah Harding Career Retrospective in Issue 1070.
That time Pink played a motocross MC in Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle
Lesbian icon Pink was in Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle as the person in charge of a motocross rally. She was in the movie for a full fifteen seconds and delivered the following lines; “It’s a two g buy-in. Winner takes all. Rules are, there ARE no rules.” OSCAR PLEASE. The only clip we could find was filmed on someone’s iPhone. THAT’S how iconic it is;
Britney Spears – Toxic
The motorbike moment in Toxic was the best few seconds in one of the best music videos EVER. MADE. I mean for god’s sake, she gets driven Paris, backflips off, then walks away from the explosion when it crashes! Also we love her with red hair. And it involves smoking hot model Tyson Beckford. He can drive down my tunnel. He can fill my petrol tank. Etc. Etc.
Jennifer Lopez – I’m Real
This was back when Jennifer Lopez was still pretending to be a normal person, who did things like wear leather berets and strut past fire hydrants. In the video for I’m Real, she’s spends basically the entire thing on a motorbike. It gets a bit boring actually. She just sort of rides along telling us all how normal and real she is. Thanks for that J-Lo. See you at the VMA’s.
Shania Twain – I’m Gonna Getcha Good, live in Las Vegas
There are actually so many pop motorcycle moments! Remember this gem from Shania?! She actually flew onto the stage on a motorbike suspended on wires in Las Vegas. Camp quotas definitely exceeded with that one. Good old Shania. She’s touring this year isn’t she. Probably sans motorbike this time, she’s no spring chicken! Here it is for your viewing pleasure. The ridiculousness starts at 0:50.
That time Cher played a motorcycle gang member in Mask
In the 1985 drama Mask, Cher played the role of Florence ‘Rusty’ Dennis, a freewheelin’ biker mom with a flexible spine and a lust for freedom! Her best line in it was; “If I’d dug his grave every time one of you geniuses told me he was gonna die, I’d be eating fuckin’ chop suey in China by now!” She won Best Actress at Cannes for that.
Lana Del Rey – Ride
I obvs had to include this one. Lana Del Rey was MADE to sit on the back of a motorbike. We know she loves a biker too. And she loves going on about “the open road”. In fact she doesn’t shut up about it. Motels, swigging whiskey, dust clouds, denim, the sepia filter on Instagram…she loves all that.
Kylie Minogue – Timebomb
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; Timebomb by Kylie Minogue is the best pop song ever made. And she looks amazing on the back of a motorbike. In the video she whizzes through Soho in a right rush. Maybe she only had a few minutes to get a wristband to see Danni at Heaven. She does a wheelie in Chinatown too. IMPRESSIVE.
Mariah Carey – #Beautiful
Remember when Mariah released a song with a hashtag in the title. Called Hashtag Beautiful. And it was about herself. We wouldn’t have expected anything less. She’s on a motorbike for most of the video! Or at least, standing next to one. I’m not sure if she’d actually be able to ride a motorbike, logistically. Those boobs would make it top heavy. The song also features Miguel, whose motorbike I’d sit on ANY day of the week.
Celine Dion – Taking Chances
Of course we could rely on our Celine for a motorbike moment! Only she could speed around on a motorbike whilst singing a tragic, expressive ballad. Talking of emotions (we do actually have them) we’re sending love and kisses to Celine and her family at the moment. Stay strong Celine!
So that’s it for now! I know there are loads more I haven’t mentioned (Michael Jackson, Iggy & Rita and a particularly ill-fated Victoria Beckham single). But unfortunately there’s no time! Live fast and die young! The open road! Whiskey! Denim! Bye! VROOOOOM.