Dylan Jones’ roundup of new musics for people who listens to musics.
That Brooke Candy’s a right one. You just KNOW if you got on the wrong side of her at a flat party, she’d slide off the kitchen counter, spill half a plastic tumbler of Tesco value vodka down herself, jab you in the chest and slur “why are you even HERE babe? Does anyone actually know you?” She’s in the QX office right now, sat by the watercooler. She says she’s charging her phone but she probably just can’t afford the Oyster fare home. But it’s fine because her new song ‘Rubber Band Stacks’ is a SOLID GOLD BANGER. It’s got her trademark filthy drawl, and the beat feels like being fucked up against the wall of Chicken Cottage.
Meanwhile, LE1F is serving starfish sass and rockpool realness with new single ‘Koi’. What a ridiculous sentence. Oh well let’s press on *swigs Carlsberg*. It’s got a beat to rival Rubber Band Stacks. Another BANGER. In fact it’s made Brooke Candy look up from her phone. Think raves at quaint seaside cottages in Cornwall. Anenome electro. Think Bloc Party meets The Little Mermaid. Hadouken meets haddock. Mushy peas on the SIDE. What the fuck am I on about.
Next order of bizniz is that old Peaches, off of ‘Fuck The Pain Away’, which has been the soundtrack to many a gay orgy. Not that I’d know. She’s got a new song, ‘Close Up’. Amusingly, if you type “Peaches Close Up” into Google, you just get loads of close-up photos of peaches, as in the fruit, and they look like little bums. Ha! Anyway Peaches is seminal, and guess what…it’s a BANGER! It still doesn’t beat ‘Timebomb’ by Kylie Minogue though. But then, nothing ever will. In fact I’d just like to say here and now that I think Timebomb is the greatest pop song ever made. Just so everyone knows.