Professional Nice Girl and our most reluctantly-embraced new pop diva, Taylor Swift, just can’t be alone onstage.
If it’s not Britney Spears’ (more on her later) least favourite X-Factor finalists, Fifth Harmony, joining her it’s ex-Friends DILF Matt Le Blanc or model-turned-joke Cara AvrilLavigne. Last week in Los Angeles, the Texas Twig decided to bring out every angry teenager’s spirit animal, Alanis Morrisette, for a rendition of crazy-bitch-breakup-anthem ‘You Oughta Know’.
I wasn’t even aware Ms Swift knew what going down on someone meant, much less approve doing so in a theatre but you learn something new every day. Maybe she doesn’t understand. To be fair, I was singing “Don’t go, Jason Waterfalls” along to the TLC classic until some bitch in a turban laughed at me during an afterparty. We’ve all got gaps in our lyrical knowledge.
She also rolled out celesbian icon Ellen, rocking a silver onesie that looked sure to give her a serious yeast infection. Is your crotch hungy Ellen? Cuz it’s eating your pants. Portia de Rossi is clearly not doing her job.
So, in more important news, part time pop star, full-time guapa, Queen of the World and general hot sensation, Britney Spears was ‘honoured’ at the 2015 Teen Choice awards with the Style Icon award. FINALLY. At last the woman who taught us to wear our ‘Tuesday’ knickers outside our New Look rubber jeans is getting the recognition she deserves.
The woman who taught us any wig is a good wig and that extensions don’t always have to be brushed. The woman who taught us that school uniforms make you into a SEX BOMB that can make middle-aged men do pretty much anything.
She is undoubtedly a true pioneer of style. Fittingly, B-Girl attended the ceremony looking like a beautifully slutty Sky Dancer (REMEMBER THOSE?) on her way to her shift at Pleshurzzz Pole Dance Parlour. Tits out for the teens! That’s our girl.