<p>As Girls Aloud alum, winner of The Sun’s Caner of the Year three years running and ‘Threads’ chanteuse Sarah Harding’s career enters a new phase, we look at some of her highs and lows, from birth to the Bum Note.
17th November, “1981”: Sarah Nicole Hardman is born clutching a bottle of Glenn’s vodka and a mixed kebab.
Somewhere between “1981” and present: Sarah changes surname from Hardman to Harding. Which is a shame.
2002: Sarah enters FHM’s High Street Honeys competition, with her pictures appearing somewhere in the top 100. Later withdraws, allegedly in protest after the magazine incorrectly lists her profession as “Pizza Hut waitress” when it is in fact, “Pizza Hut Server”
2002: Sarah enters ITV money-spinning franchise-cum-“talent” show ‘Popstars: The Rivals’. She is selected by noted musical genius Geri Halliwell, as well as professional geriatrics Louis Walsh and Pete Waterman, to become a member of winning band Girls Aloud.
December 2002: Girls Aloud’s debut single ‘Sound of the Underground’ rockets to Christmas number one. It is, quite frankly, a hot sensation. When asked about the single, Sarah is allegedly quoted as saying “No, make it a double please, love”
2002 onwards: Sarah, alongside bandmates Cheryl Cole nee Tweedy nee Fernandez-Vagini, porcelain pop princess Nicola Roberts, Kimberleh and a woman from Ireland, become the best girl band the UK has produced since Vanilla.
2005/2006/2007: Sarah win’s The Sun’s prestigious Caner of the Year award three years running. In her acceptance speeches, Sarah allegedly thanks ChinaWhite, Whiskey Mist and Archers Aqua.
January 2009: Girls Aloud perform on breakfast television programme, GMTV, singing latest single ‘The Loving Kind’. Sarah blows the world away with a breathtaking Bum Note at the song’s crescendo. Cheryl …Something, along with the entire Internet, are thoroughly entertained. YOUTUBE IT.
December 2009: Sarah makes an Oscar bid with a turn as “Roxy, the rebellious rock star” in unwanted St Trinians sequel: ‘Legend Fritton’s Gold’. The film receives ‘overwhelmingly negative’ reviews.
2011: Sarah takes over from Scott Mills as presenter of LivingTV game show “Dating in the Dark”, where hapless members of the public are forced to fumble with each other in darkened rooms. When asked why she chose the show, Sarah is allegedly quoted as saying she could “relate”.
July 2012: A newly teetotal Sarah allegedly saves the life of unconscious British reveller on the quiet island of Ibiza, calling an ambulance and putting them into the recovering position, after seeing them slumped on the pavement whilst she was taking a quiet night-time drive around the island.
2012: Sarah appears as female lead in UK film “Run For Your Wife”. The film grosses £602 on opening weekend.
20th March 2013: Girls Aloud announce the band have split up on their Twitter. No official reason is cited but it’s probably because that Irish woman is just awful.
2014: Sarah appears in BBC One celebrity Gymboree competition ‘Tumble’ alongside Sugababes hitwoman Amelle Berrabah and ‘H’ from Steps. She places as runner-up, losing to unknown ‘actor’ Bobby Lockwood. The show is axed after one series.
July 2015: Sarah appears on ITV soap Coronation Street, much to viewers’ dismay. After four episodes, it is confirmed she will not be returning. Former band mate Kimberleh is quoted as saying “It’s weird”
August 6th 2015: Sarah debuts solo single ‘Threads’ on ITV’s Lorraine with a lively lip-sync performance. It is not well-received.
August 14th 2015: ‘Threads’ sells 1,637 units in it’s opening week, fails to chart in the UK Top 200.
August 22nd 2015: Sarah tweets Yvette Fielding to see if she fancies doing another episode of Most Haunted with her. At the time of writing, Fielding has yet to respond.
• Sarah Harding’s EP ‘Threads’ is currently available on iTunes.
This article is intended as satire.