It’s hard out here for a slut [insert erection jokes here] [insert insertion jokes here]. There’s just a lot of STUFF to remember and keep track of. Lube, condoms, phone numbers, where you left your pants, whose bed you’re in, what city you’re in, the Chariots opening hours…the list goes on!
It honestly is a full time job. You never get any sleep either, y’know cuz of all the SHAGGIN’. Honestly sometimes you’re going down on a guy and you just think, ‘oh for god’s sake not this again’. Sigh. Well we all have our crosses to bear.
From 12th–19th July Fetish Week hits London! It’s like the Boxing Day Sales for bored housewives, except with harnesses instead of hoovers, dildos instead of dust ruffles, and double penetration instead of double glazing. To help you keep track between ejaculations, we’ve prepared a handy event planner. So here it is, your Fetish Week To-Do List!
13/07/15: Fetish Week Screening
Fetish Week gets off to a suitably seedy start with a Soho screening of Daddy And The Muscle Academy. We haven’t seen it before but we can guess what it’s like from the title. Come your gear if you like, and join the boys for drinks after.
Ham Yard Theatre, 1 Ham Yard, W1D 7DT. 7pm-10pm. £13.
14/07/15: Bondage Masterclass
Ever wondered where that strap goes? Or exactly WHAT that tapered bit’s for? Or whether that’s ACTUALLY safe to put all the way in? Well now you can learn once and for all at Fetish Week’s official masterclass. Lessons in all things fetish.
The Eagle, 349 Kennington Lane, SE22 5QY. 9pm-3am. £5 entry.
15/07/15: SM Gays Birthday Party
It’s the SM Gays Birthday Party at the Hoist, that’s an unmissable addition to your to-do list! It’s at that notorious den of debauchery, The Hoist. Saddle up and dive in.
The Hoist, Railway Arch 47C, South Lambeth Road, SW8 1RH. 8pm-1am. £10 entry.
16/07/15: Fetish On Display
A steamy celebration of fetish art from around the globe, striking, sexy and on sale! Go down and take a long lingering look.
Strand Gallery, 32 Adam Street, WC2N 6BP. 12pm-6pm
16/07/15: Filthy Fetish Fest
Expect explosive excitement as Expectations throws an extravaganza at their Old Street barracks. Super-hot porn stars will stalk their steaming halls as they celebrate the expansion of their Mister B shop. There’s also a chance to win a stay at Tom’s Hotel in Berlin. Grrr!
Expectations, Great Eastern Street, EC2A 3RY. 5pm-9pm.
17/07/15: Fetish Week Dinner
Lap it up or choke it all down, Fetish Week are having a special dinner at Counter. There’s even an individual menu that’s been created especially. Wonder what’s on it. Something involving cream probably. Open wide. Fetish gear is encouraged, but not essential. Feel free to come in your civvies. No crotches or cracks, but the staff has told us that they’re perfectly fine with chests…
Counter, Arch 50 7-11, South Lambeth Place, London, SW8 1SP, 6.30pm – 9.30pm. Tickets £50..
17/07/15: Into The Tank
Jump in, it’s Spain’s most popular fetish and cruise party at Fire in London for Fetish Week! From sweaty sportswear to revealing rubber, it’s anything goes and anyone cums. That’s cums, as in, ejaculates. In case you didn’t get that.
Fire, 39 Perry Street, SW8 1RH. 10pm-4am. £10 entry..
18/07/15: Regulation Saturday
Regulation Store are holding a discount free-for-all with beers, discounts and late-night opening. No holds barred, grab a goody bag and wrestle through the leather-clad crowds for chance at bagging their best gear at 25% off.
Regulation Store, 17A St Albans Place, N1 0NX. 10:30am-8pm
18/07/15: Adult Baby Club-ABC
A is for anal, B is blowjobs, C is for cracks! Or for anything you want them to stand for really. Adult Baby Club is a night for baby boys and their daddies. So clean off your nappies and get down to Kings Cross for one of Fetish Week’s most outrageous nights.
Central Station, 37 Wharfdale Road, N1 9SD. 7pm-11:30pm. £1 entry for new member.
18/07/15: Skinhead
Sexy skinheads and their pals will be having a sizzlingly sleazy day at Eagle London with a barbecue and drinks. Strict dress code so make sure you’ve got those boots and braces handy.
The Eagle, 349 Kennington Lane, SE22 5QY. 3pm-9pm. £8 entry.
18/07/15: Black Eagle: Eagle London VS Eagle Amsterdam
The boys from Amsterdam fly over to give you double the fun and double the dirtiness at The Eagle’s late night fetish event after Skinhead wraps up. Cruising, DJs and a live X-rated stage show. Steamy.
The Eagle, 349 Kennington Lane, SE22 5QY. 9pm-4am. £6 entry.
18/07/15: Full Fetish: The Main Event
This is the big one. Recon are throwing the biggest fetishfest of the season at the notorious Coronet. More DJs, hot guys, and cruising areas than you can shake a dildo at. Finish your fetish week with a bang. Or a gang bang, if you’re lucky.
The Coronet Theatre, 28 New Kent Road, SE21 6TJ. 10pm-6am. £25 general admission, £50 VIP.