Dom Pop knows his shit. And that means knowing what these pop queens want from Father Christmas…(*allegedly)
Britney
Hi Satna!
Hope everything is real good with you and all the dwarfs in the Alaska Circle! My mom said this time of year is your businest time and I can really, really relate to this as I am currently juggling being a career woman with being a single mom, along being a ‘pitiable cash cow for Dad,’ or whatever it is Jamie Lynne said.
SO ANYWAY I really need to kick back and take some time for me and have fun you know what I mean??? So this year Satna, I am asking for the following:
• Bratz Totally Polished Yasmin doll
• Another baby (Girl NOT a boy please Satna I am really seriously sick of boys omg)
• Frozen on Blu-Ray
• Party Rockers Furby
• Justin’s new cell number (the one I have keeps saying disconnected which sounds like the work of a jealous wife if you know what I am saying and I think you DO, Satna)
• Cheetos
• Jewelbry
• An album better than ‘Britney Jean’ because my manager says it was ‘universally panned’ and I’m not quite sure that that means but it does not sound great.
• Jamie Lynne to STEP OFF.
Anyways I gotta get back to Vegas and I think one of the boys fell in the pool so I better tell Esperanza to get him out but have a great time and all if I don’t see y’all before Xmas!! P.S. THANKS IN ADAVNCE.
Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox BRITNEY J
Beyonce
Santa, first of all I just want to say it is just such an honour to have you speaking with me, BEYONCE.
It’s been such a rollercoaster ride since I dropped my album BEYONCE late last year. BEYONCE has been a major success worldwide for me, BEYONCE, and I have received the greatest gift I could have ever ask for in that. I also had a daughter at some point. Me and Jay thought to maybe name her BEYONCE but honestly Santa, that is a lot to live up to.
Anyway Santa, since I already have the greatest gifts in the world what with the worldwide success of BEYONCE and the child I had and because I am a philanthropist and a feminist, BEYONCE has decided to ask for gifts for the less fortunate this year;
• Relevance for Michelle Williams, should she choose to pursue music professionally.
• Courage for Katy Perry, so she can follow my Superbowl performance without intimidation.
• Wealth for the impoverished peoples, like Oprah and Tim Cook.
• A career for Keri Hilson outside of Shake Shack.
• 25% discount on all copies of BEYONCE for those who cannot afford the full retail price.
You’re welcome,
BEYONCE.
Rihanna
What’s good Santa?
Yo man, to tell you the truth I been so busy this year recording my new album I just want some time to kick back and blaaaaze you know?
I’m gonna so I’m gonna write a list of a list of the things that I want for Christmas. Def some more of this good shit you know? I just
Huh. I forgot what I was writing. I’m really hungry man. Did you ever watch that Single Ladies Clown video on YouTube? MANNNNNN that is the funniest shit ever, hahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I’m gonna get some Doritos.
Ri-Ri
Christina Aguilera
Santa this year I’ve been mostly busy with the birth of my daughter, Summer Rain (classy, don’t you think?) so I’ve taken a break to focus on what’s really important, like nutrition and learning about food.
I’ve really been getting into cooking, like cakes and pies and casseroles and fruit crumbles and fresh pasta and risotto and home fried chicken and cheesy potato gratin and oh my god, have you ever tried the deli on Vine with the German smoked ham? It’s to die for.
So many amazing meats. I told Jordan while we were shopping for diapers that sometimes I just find bacon more arousing than sex. All that thick, moist meat dripping with sweet grease…god, my whole mouth just filled up with saliva.
Anyway here’s what I want for Christmas:
• 6 crates of pickled onion Monster Munch (Beef flavour also acceptable)
• 8 quarts of Yazoo chocolate milk
• BACON
• Krispy Crème gold membership card (the one with the free daily donuts & coffee)
• Assorted hams
• Burritos
• 42 barrels of Pinot Grigio
We’re going to Jordan’s mom’s place for Christmas and she’s pretty stingy with the portions, so I’m gonna need snacks.
Gotta go Santa, I can hear rustling in the kitchen and if that baby has got into my Kit Kats again, so help me…
XXXTINA
Mariah Carey
Dear Santa
All I Want For Christmas Is Ariana Grande to be hit by a big truck that Nick Cannon is driving over the speed limit and under the influence. Two birds. One stone.
Yours with butterflies,
MC aka Mimi aka The Elusive Chanteuse