My most formative teen years were spent fooling around, up in my bedroom, with a boy I barely knew, whenever my Mum went out to her friends. Then, he devastated me by outing me to all our mutual friends.
Like many bisexual people, I was a bit of a late bloomer with regards to “coming-out”. Even now there are probably still plenty of people I know who don’t know I’m bisexual, (SURPRISE!) but this isn’t simply down to not having decided myself, but due to the stigma and fear that comes with coming-out as a bisexual man.
My first bisexual experience, (by this I mean the first time I remember finding a member of the same sex attractive), was probably when I was as young as six or seven years old whilst playing kiss chase with a friend during the school holidays, if you can even call it kiss chase when there are only the two of you. But this was just a bit of fun, surely? Never to be taken too seriously. It wasn’t until I was in my early teens that I really started to think about attraction and like many teenage boys, this was further explored through porn. Throughout secondary school I had a few girlfriends, but these never led to anything further than a kiss at the back of the cinema. When it came to finding my own sexual outlets, the internet was the place for me. Now, I’m not wanting to get involved with the whole porn debate as to whether it helps or harms, and believe me, I had my fair share of negative experiences online when it came to sharing my webcam with strange men. But, on the whole, the internet, with its pornography and chatrooms, helped me to discover who I was and that I was normal, although this didn’t in anyway help me when it came to being honest with the people I actually knew in the real world!
As someone coming to terms with their (bi)sexuality, it’s difficult to put yourself in one of the many boxes that society, and the school yard, put you into, particularly as a lot of it just comes down to appearances. Are you relatively masculine, have had girlfriends and play sport? Well, you must be straight then! Are you a little feminine, have more female friends than male friends and enjoy drama? Then you’re gay! Sorted! But what if you don’t fit into either of those boxes, have qualities from both categories or neither? What box can people put you in?
By the time I was seventeen, the only people who knew I was bisexual was a guy at college who, like me hadn’t told anyone and with whom I occasionally shared dick picks; and a guy I met through a friend. As much as I enjoyed the dick picks with my college friend, I knew he wanted more, but I was afraid that this would lead to everyone just thinking I was gay. Nothing wrong with being gay of course, I just didn’t know if I was or not. This second guy however, told me he was bi during a conversation on MSN (dated reference I know, but bear with me). He was talking about stuff he had done with a guy, and this somehow led on to me inviting him round to mine saying “if you wanted to try anything with me, I probably wouldn’t stop you.” Probably the most forward I have ever been with another person!
After a few months of us trading hand jobs and oral sex, he got drunk one night and told all of our mutual friends about what we had been doing, outing me as bisexual to people I barely knew enough to have a proper conversation with, let alone share my sexual experiences with. Suddenly, I’d been put in a box, and it wasn’t even a box I knew I was ready to belong in.
I’m writing this now as a twenty-nine year old man, happily married, in a heterosexual relationship and looking back on my first proper (not only bisexual but) sexual experiences in general, and I am embarrassed by how embarrassed I was. Over the years I have struggled to tell people about my bisexuality, partly due to this ill-prepared coming-out, partly due to the first girlfriend I ever told I was bi dumping me because of it, and partly due to the fact I still think it is none of anyone’s business who I sleep with or fantasise about. So, why am I now writing about this for a load of strangers to read? Because I am finally happy to speak about my bisexual experience, because I am no longer afraid of people knowing something personal about me, and because I have found someone I love, who I want to spend the rest of my life with and who accepts me for who I am.
My wife has always known that I was bisexual. I felt it important to tell her at the very start of our relationship in case she found out later and I got dumped again! But, other than a few questions of curiosity, she accepted this part of me and still accepts who I am. It is due to her acceptance of me that I now have the strength to talk about who I really am, not only in this article but also in the play I have produced alongside her, entitled Three Way. Three Way explores the misconceptions around bisexuality and the stigma aimed at bisexual men and, although the stories within the piece are fictitious, they have been informed by my own personal experience as a bisexual man.
I know it’s easier said than done, and I know everyone’s experiences will be different, but coming out as bisexual and finally being open with myself and the ones I love about who I am was the best thing I ever did, and I only hope I can maintain the courage to share my experiences further.
Three Way is a Split Infinitive production written by Alexander Millington and directed by Helen Millington.
24th-28th August at the Lion&Unicorn Theatre as part of the Camden Fringe Festival
https://camden.ssboxoffice.com/events/three-way/
7th-11th September at The Empty Space Theatre as part of the Greater Manchester Fringe Festival
https://manchester.ssboxoffice.com/events/three-way/
Three Way – Exploring the B in LGBTQIA – 24th to 28th August 2021
The post You Always Remember Your First By Alexander Millington appeared first on QX Magazine.