The tatt, crap and junk that need to be left behind in last year.
A new year is the perfect time to take stock and really take a good look at what we want to bring with us from the past year, and what really needs to be left behind. It was a damn exhausting year, so we’ve decided to round up some of the crap we don’t want to be weighing us down or taking up our time in the coming year…
90’s AND 00’s Nostalgia
Charli XCX might want to go back to 1999, despite the fact she was a six year old in Uttlesford, but we sure as hell don’t. We’re DONE with all the references to Britney songs, and we’re sure as hell done with movie references in music videos. Yes, the Thank U, Next video was iconic, with Kris Jenner literally born to play Regina George’s mother, but we’re done now. That’s enough. Sketchers were ugly, CD’s were worthless after one scratch and our Tamagotchi kept dying. Why is the future no longer cool? Sure, we’ll be living underwater, but Busted looked like they were having a good time. OH CRAP! Another 00’s reference.
The Gender Reveal
The recent boom in revealing your baby’s gender, often via viral video. One gender reveal event set a whole forest on fire in Arizona. Their sudden popularity and the fact that they just keep getting more ridiculous is clearly an ugly reaction to ’18 being the year of gender diversity, and representation for trans, non-binary and gender non-conforming people. Straight cisgender parents aren’t coping so they’re desperately clinging onto their gender norms and literally exploding their bright pink or blue expectations out of canons and in birthday cakes. Does ANYTHING change after finding out? Either way, they can be dressed in Celine Dion’s gender-neutral clothing line so who CARES.
Overproduced Super Hero Movies (Main Image)
Right, we might have had a little crush on Thanos and his fisting glove, but we’re bored. We’ll probably be Googling topless pictures of that Aquaman actor for the best part of this January but that’s all we need. We’re not paying £12 to sit in a crowded cinema, sipping on a £6 Fanta, for three hours getting confused who all those characters are. And when there’s a reference to something 4 films ago that was integral to the plot, FORGET IT. The only good that’s come from this movie is how buff the actors get. If you insist on making movies based on comics, just man up and produce a porn parody. THAT we would watch.
Katy Perry
We think we left her in 2017, but best to be safe.
Love Island
It spread like the black plague in 2018, and we’re still dealing with the offspring splattered out across morning television. The only good thing to come out of Love Island was one of the boys getting a testicular exam on This Morning by an older man that we now use to illustrate our interaction with our sugar daddy. We’re definitely overseeing them on the tube in ads for EssexSlapperBoutique. com in a skin-tight body suit and a chunky heel.
Royal Weddings
We had two this year. TWO. One of them we didn’t know who she was until we heard her guffaw at the altar. For some strange reason, straight people always love getting all up in other straight people’s business. Us gays aren’t even sure if our best friends are single or not, and we don’t care because they’re probably still open. We got excited to hear Fergie was getting involved in someone’s wedding but it turns out it was just some lady who got her toes sucked. What about if we let the royals decapitate people again? That sounds like it was fun.
Kardashian Babies
Is it us or did they have like 6 of them this year? They’ve literally run out of things to do, so that dragon lady at the helm told them to multiply or else she’s going to start adopting at a Brangelina rate.
Intellectual Television Programmes
Big Little Lies, Killing Eve, The Handmaid’s Tale. It’s like you need a degree in Cultural Studies just to watch some damn TV these days. It’s TV. It’s made to be in the background while you’re cooking, or listening to porn with your earphones so the neighbours don’t hear your fapping. When did it all get too serious? Watching on demand whilst you’re on the pan doesn’t require an Oscar-worthy performance. We suggest trying some Real Housewives, some Homes Under the Hammer or some god damn Gordon Ramsey Kitchen Nightmares.
Trump Talk
It doesn’t look likely that he’s going anywhere anytime soon, but that doesn’t mean we still have to see his half-baked face everywhere. We’re done with getting riled up on this guy’s stupidity. We’re starting a petition to get the BBC to play the sound of a trump whenever they want to say his name. Your super woke North London friend just can’t go five minutes without mentioning him, so just never see her again. Not until Malia Obama takes office in 2038.
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