WELL. We’re not used to THIS are we! Actual sun! Actual heat! Of course, the thing about heatwaves in London is that they send everyone a bit mental. It’s as if the whole city is, funnily enough, on heat.
When the temperature hits anything upwards of 26 degrees, suddenly the streets of bar and restaurant hubs like Angel and Covent Garden transform into, well, absolute bloody carnarge – girls called Sophie fall headfirst out of Wahaca, mojito in one hand, taco in the other; bins overflow with Sainsbury’s mini sausage roll packets and premixed cans of gin & tonic; gay couples swagger in string vests and threadbare cut-off shorts, freshly converted from Topman jeans with a swift pair of scissors.
The sound of summer in London is a pint glass shattering on a ripple-heated paving slab outside Farringdon All Bar One. The willowy thrum of the diving board at Hampstead Heath Men’s pond. The shout of falafel stand owners on Leather Lane. The hectic wail of sirens and helicopters.
So how do we negotiate the madness? Well luckily, there’s now a handy QX guide! Yes!
So take note, get out in the heat, and DEAL WITH IT
Listen to lots of Shakira
Shakira will get you through the sweaty weather, her music is absolutely perfect for it. You could also take a leaf out of her book, and jump in a fountain. Shakira bloody loves fountains, she can’t walk past one without jumping in it. Good fountains to jump in are the Trafalgar Square one, obviously, and also that one on Piccadilly with all the horses.
Don’t do drag
Like, you just can’t. You’ll literally melt. We’ve heard there’s now a latex puddle on Kingsland Road that used to be Virgin Xtravaganzah.
Don’t top
It’s far too energetic, in this heat. You’ll get a headrush and it’s just not worth it. Far easier just to throw yourself face down on the nearest cool surface and be the bottom. And if you’ve never bottomed before or if you’re a ‘masc top’, get over yourself. This is a HEATWAVE.
Have sex on the bonnet of a car
When the heat’s like this, you can’t NOT have sex on the bonnet of a car. Preferably in the late-ish evening, when the light is going golden. Oh, and you have to be wearing a tight white t-shirt, and he has to be some sort of gruff, be-stubbled Hispanic type. And the car has to be a dusty red sports car. This is not based on a personal experience we’ve had, honestly.
Get drunk
This will help you sleep, according to internationally-ignored superstar Vanity Von Glow; “To everyone complaining they can’t sleep in this heat,” she says. “Just get so shitfaced you fall into an alcohol-induced coma and you’ll be fine.”
Wise words indeed.
Don’t have poppers
Not a good idea! Have an ice pop instead!
Get the overground! It’s got air conditioning!
For ONCE, on the warmest days of the year, the Overground goes from being one of the most unreliable and annoying aspects of TfL, to being the CELEBRITY of TfL. Not only does it have air conditioning, it goes to all the gorgey parks! Hampstead Heath! Crystal Palace! London Fields! Hooray!
Eat lots of watermelon
Watermelon is lovely, and it’s also very IN at the moment. It’s on shirts, it’s on dresses, it’s on hats. It’s even on STANDS in Peckham! Once you’re on a stand in Peckham, you know you’ve made it. Personally, we’ve never been on a stand in Peckham. We can rarely stand anywhere.
Do not, under any circumstances, pose on an inflatable unicorn on Instagram
Just inexcusable.
Remember how much you complain about bad weather
If ever you feel tempted to whine to a friend in the park, or do a petulant Facebook status about how you “can’t stand” this heat, or how you feel “so disgusting” in this sweat weather – don’t you DARE! As Brits, we spend ten months of the year moaning about how we don’t get sun, so we must remember that when we do, we must be grateful. Bask in its glory, like a languid lemur or clichéd object of desire in a 1930s gay novella. Be bold, be tanned, be HOT.
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