We all know Nicola Roberts is the best member of Girls Aloud. She is isn’t she! Well, she’s the most critically viable at least.
She’s the only one who wouldn’t look like an idiot in a nightclub in Dalston. In fact she’s probably the only one who’s BEEN to a nightclub in Dalston. Cheryl probably thinks Dalston is a breed of dog, and Kimberley’s probably one of those awful people who goes “eeew I don’t want to go to Dalston, it’s scary!” and then continues to watch Come Dine With Me. The Kimberleys of the world are insignificant little nonsenses. Soz Kimberley.
Anyway, we’ve already done “career retrospectives” (lol) of the only other two members of Girls Aloud who matter – Sarah and Nadine. Sarah because she’s a total waster who always looks like she’s just got out of bed, which we love. And Nadine because she’s dangerously skinny and a fucking bitch, which we also love.
Now it’s Nicola’s turn! Now, Nicola is the only member we’ve had personal run-ins with. We’ve got LOADSA GOSS FOR YOU! Vicious tweets! Stony faced-ness! YES! So here we go, it’s the Nicola Roberts career retrospective!
2002 – 2009
Nicola was in the girl group, Girls Aloud. A largely unimportant and unrewarding part of her career.
2010
Nicola STRUCK OUT ON HER OWN! She released Beat Of My Drum, written by herself and Diplo. It was a stomping electropop sensation! Nicola cemented herself in the eyes of critics and audiences alike. Most importantly, the B-side of the EP (remember those?) was called Disco, Blisters & A Comedown…we’ve named our music column in its honour!
A bit later in 2010
Nicola performed at T4 On The Beach. Not exactly a career high, but she was in close proximity to June Sarpong, so we’ve included it. She also performed at a gay night in London we’ve never heard of called “G-A-Y”.
2011
She worked with electropop pioneers like Dragonette and Diplo to produce an ouvre of pop perfection, by the name of Cinderella’s Eyes. Lead singles included Beat Of My Drum, which as we’ve already said was a solid gold banger, and Lucky Day, which would have been a good song if she hadn’t screeched so much. Well done Nicola! Needless to say Cinderella’s Eyes was critically acclaimed. NME said “Unlike the work of her fellow girls, there is some actual depth and wit here.” Cheryl must have been FUMIN!
2012
Nicola was chosen (CHOSEN) by Rihanna (RIHANNA) to be a mentor on Styled To Rock. We need to take a moment to appreciate the gravity of this situation. Being chosen by Rihanna is like being chosen for the hockey team by the most popular girl in school, times 10,000. Of course, Nicola remained the height of British stiff-upper-lipped decorum and composure. None of that screeching American nonsense. Good for you Nicola! Quite right too.
Later in 2012
She approached education secretary Michael Gove and implored him to combat bullying in schools. She also sent him her track Sticks + Stones to listen to, and think about how he’d been hurt in school, or how he’d hurt others. This is actually true.
2013
Really not much happened. She went on holiday to the South of France a few times, and had “brunch” at places like The Bluebird and SushiSamba. She wore lots of high-collared dresses and cut her hair.
2014
Press officer of The Glory Jack Cullen spotted her leaving London Fields Brewery in a huff, and tweeted her saying “Just saw Nicola Roberts storming off, was it something we didn’t say?” A flurry of angry responses from Nicola ensued, in which she stated that she “didn’t have to say hello to everyone.” Nobody heard from her for months afterwards.
2015
NICOLA IS BACK. She’s at an event with East London DJ and friend to QX, Chema Diaz. He took a picture of her with a coat over her head, which we can’t find.
Later in 2015
Nicola gets a parking ticket. Oh well.
Early 2016
Nicola meets an off-duty Vanity Von Glow at the opening of bar/restaurant Zebrano. Vanity invites her to Bombshell. She politely declines, gets in a taxi, and leaves.
A bit later in 2016
Financing website mediamass.net published an article claiming Nicola Roberts was the highest paid singer in the world:
“The English singer has an estimated net worth of $145 million,” they said “She owes her fortune to smart stock investments and substantial property holdings. She also owns several restaurants (the “Fat Roberts Burger” chain) in London, a Football Team (the “Stamford Angels”) and has launched her own brand of vodka.”
Sadly, this is all complete and utter bollocks.
Even later in 2016
The Mail Online posts a story about Nicola falling off her paddleboard whilst on holiday in Barbados. As Mail stories go, falling off your paddleboard in Barbados is quite a glamorous one. Well done Nicola.
Present
She is allegedly working on a SECOND ALBUM. The world (or at least, a few gays in East London) await it with baited breath.