Dylan Jones’ roundup of new music for people who listen to music!
There is NO new music out this week. None. Well, Sia’s got that new one she fished out of Rihanna’s swimming pool, but you know what…I don’t like Sia. There, I said it. I think her music is generic, and that whole anonymous thing she’s got going on is cheap and attention-seeking *lights cigarette*.
And ANOTHER thing. People are still giving Katy Perry the time of day. Why? Why is this happening? She is not a pop star. She will never be a pop star. There is nothing behind those eyes. No talent. No substance. No class. No fucking way.
So since there’s no new music out this week (or at least, none that I like), I’ve decided to disclose something very valuable – the three best pop songs ever made. There is no arguing this. I don’t need to justify myself. They just are. The fact that they were all released within a few years of each other, when I happened to be at an age where I was listening to a lot of pop music, is nothing more than a happy coincidence.
Kylie – Timebomb
“Drive.” This was an interesting point in Kylie’s career. It wasn’t even attached to an album or anything. Often, the best tracks aren’t. In the video she struts down Old Compton Street in a pair of denim hotpants. We’ve all been there. I love this song so much. It might be my favourite song in the world. I remember it came out on the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee Weekend, when everyone was getting wasted. I woke up at 11am on Monday morning with my face stuck to a veggie feast pizza, and this song playing on loop.
Neon Jungle – Braveheart
Neon Jungle breaking up is without doubt the greatest tragedy that occurred in 2015. Their contributions to the world of music, fashion and the cultural zeitgeist will never be forgotten. Everyone loves this song. Every. One. Loves. This. Song. It’s a winner at after-parties. It’s a winner at drunken brunches. It’s a winner at club nights. It’s a win fucking win. I’ll say no more, I’ll just leave you with this pearl of wisdom from the girls; I’m on that late night come and get. I’m on that ripped jeans cigarette.
Gwen Stefani – What You Waiting For
To finish our trio, this solid gold nugget of pop perfection from Gwen. Just flawless. Fast-paced, wild, rocky, poppy, punky…in terms of musical milieu, it heralded a bridge from early noughties alt-pop, to late noughties electro-pop. A subtle change, but a change all the same. Charli XCX is trying her best to bring things back around. I’ve always loved Gwen, it’s a shame she’s so fucking boring these days.