Dom Pop is off to Barcelona in about 8 hours. That means there are lots of chores to be done (jockstrap selection, laying the fuckboy groundwork on Scruff, trimming stuff, jaw exercises…) so that doesn’t leave whole lot of time for writing a column.
We wouldn’t say we’re “phoning it in” but we did seriously consider copy-pasting a column from December and just changing all the names in it to ‘Britney’. Unsurprisingly though, all names in the December column already WERE ‘Britney’, so that plan is shot to shit.
Instead, we’re just going to rustle up some HOME TRUTHS for this column. We don’t really know what that means but…like, we’ll be on the beach tomorrow so really, weduncurrrrrrr.
Britney Spears – Britney Spears is still the sun of our pop solar system. She’s that first chicken nugget when you’re stoned as fuck. She’s the exquisitely sweet juice at the bottom of your ice pop in summer. She’s that last salty finger suck after a packet of Walkers. She’s perfect. She’s everything. She’s working on her new album. At the moment it’s called B9, but we’d advise her to steer clear of anything that sounds like a tumour, harmless or not. We’d also like to issue a mild warning; Blackout 2 or the Uggs get it.
Little Mix – We don’t know when this happened but it’s happened: Little Mix are now our favourite girl band. How did that occur? Maybe it’s was Jesy’s Jamaican accent. Maybe it was when they all ran screaming from a daddy-long-legs mid performance. Maybe it’s because MKS fucked it all up. Or maybe it was ‘Move’. Alls we know is, we’re obsessed. PLAY SECRET POTION! Err, ‘Black Magic’. BALEGDEH!
Rita Ora – Hate her. Hate. Hate. HATE Rita Ora. Who’s funding her? Who is buying her music? Who actually likes her? We have yet to hear one person actually say “Rita Ora is my absolute favourite singer”. These people don’t exist. Well, okay they probably do, but we bet they haven’t done their A-Levels yet. People need to stop encouraging this. BE GONE witch and take Nick Grimshaw’s ‘fashion line’ with you.