If you were conscious during the late nineties or early noughties (sorry Terry Schiavo) then you probably watched at least one episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, or at least saw a lot of Sarah Michelle Gellar. Before her career got drier than your mouth after a four day bender, SMG was THE teen star of America’s WB network, home of other such seminal shows as Dawson’s Creek, Charmed, Felicity and Buffy’s very own spin-off, Angel, all thanks to this improbably-excellent television series.
BTVS was quite frankly, the best thing ever created and remains so (alongside Britney Spears, Spain, Brazil and Mexico). If you disagree, you’re wrong. We could bang on about how it was one of the first series to portray real women as more than just damsels and girlfriends, or how it paved the way for countless movies and shows with its clever approach to storytelling. How it smartly used metaphorical monsters to convey the horrors of being a young adult, or how its influence on the English language can still be felt today. Or how writer/creator Joss Whedon is now helming the Avengers franchise. We could do that. But you’ve all got shit attention spans. So here are some pictures to look at. HAPPY HALLOWEEN.
WHEN THEY ALL SANG A LOT
Not some half arsed Glee shit where they sang autotuned covers. The entire cast sang over an hour of original songs in a Hollywood-style musical episode of the show. Fuck you Glee!
WHEN THEY ALL DIED
Superbitch Cordelia made a wish. Suddenly everything’s shit. She ends up dead. So do Xander, Willow, Angel and Buffy. But then they’re not. Quite good.
WHEN BUFFY HAD A PAGER
Fuck. People had pagers when this show was on. The line “if the apocalypse comes, beep me” would probably be “FaceTime me” instead now.
WHEN WILLOW WENT MAD
Nerd becomes witch. Nerd witch becomes lesbian. Lesbian nerd witch becomes addicted to magical crack. Next thing you know, people are getting shot, hair is turning black and everyone’s getting skinned alive. Blame the internet.
WHEN WIG LADY NEEDED TO KNOW ABOUT THE CHERRY PIE
Like everyone, Buffy had to get a shit job in fast food when times got tough. Then she thought they were putting people in the burgers and flipped her shit. But more importantly for Wig Lady, were they in the cherry pie? Turns out Wig Lady should have been more worried about the penis monster under her wig.
WHEN THE VAMPIRES WERE ALL QUITE HOT!
So before that Twilight shit turned up and made vampires into fluffy wank-rag material for menopausal mothers and desperate tweens, Buffy had filthy-hot vampires like Spike and Angel. Even better, good vampire Angel went bad and got even sexier as a result. Cue leather pants, shirtlessness and sucking hookers dry (of blood, obvs).
WHEN THEY COULDN’T TALK
So someone tells you your show has really good dialogue. Because you’re an obtuse bitch, you then write a totally silent episode that is actually scarier than Hellraiser. Joss, you cunt.
WHEN BUFFY AND SPIKE FUCKED A LOT
At one point the show moved to a network with less censorship rules than the prudish WB. So suddenly everyone was fucking each other a lot. ESPECIALLY Buffy and Spike. They were doing it by bins, on balconies and in collapsing buildings. We don’t recall seeing them hit the clinic though. Probably riddled.
WHEN THEY MADE A BUFFYBOT
So we were supposed to believe that during the year 2000, someone had the technology in their BASEMENT to make an exact robot replica of Buffy, realistic enough to fool everyone into thinking she was the real Buffy? Right. Ok. Whatever. She was delightful so we’ll let it pass. RIP Buffybot.
WHEN ANYA EVER SAID ANYTHING
Anything that came hurtling out of ex-demon Anya’s mouth was exceptional. From demanding to know why people weren’t masturbating in the bathroom, to her unabashed love of money and even some moments of real poignancy only someone looking at the human race as an outsider could convey, Anya was quoteable heaven.
WHEN THE FASHIONS WERE VERY 90′S
Love or loathe it, Buffy is a living time capsule of millennial fashions. Chunky rings, turtlenecks, Hawaiian shirts, all leather ensembles, weird hippy dresses and many, many hideous sweaters and hats all contributed to the character’s distinctive looks. However, Anya, Cordelia and evil bitch-god Glory were never anything less than stylish perfection.
WHEN CORDELIA EVER SAID ANYTHING
Before Anya though, we had Cordelia Chase, Queen of Sunnydale High and mistress of the put-down. “Don’t you have an elsewhere to be?”, “What is your childhood trauma?” and “Who gave you permission to exist?” were all regular vocab staples for us.
WHEN THE WORLD KEPT ENDING
A year in Sunnydale wasn’t complete unless the world was hanging in the balance. Master vampires, “big squiggly demons that came from the ground”, earthquakes, hellgods, portals, government-made Frankensteins, bad Slayers, pissed-off witches, the root of all evil itself and even the town’s Mayor all tried to end it. Buffy managed to stop all of them. And only died like, twice. Bet nobody on Gossip Girl can say that.
WHEN IT WAS JUST A REALLY GAY SHOW
On a slightly more serious note, Buffy as a character had an experience very similar to that of most young gay kids growing up at that time. Burdened with a secret she couldn’t share with people for fear of their reactions, consigned to a life of loneliness, danger and possible death, ridiculed by her peers, ignored by society and all the while trying to keep her grades up. Buffy was basically a gay teen. Nowhere is this more evident than her “coming out” speech to her mother:
Joyce: Well, it stops now!
Buffy: No, it doesn’t stop! It never stops! Do you think I chose to be like this? Do you have any idea how lonely it is? How dangerous?
Plus the show was full of shirtless guys, strong female characters and witty quips. Thanks Buffy, you saved TV. A lot.
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