So, because we’re QX Magazine, the most credible, academic, self-assuredly erudite publication in the UNIVERSE, we’ve decided this is going to be an actual feature; Silly Halloween Gay Porn Parodies!
Yes! Who needs to know Pythagoras’ theorem? Or the Latin name of the Himalayan elephant shrew? Or what the second-largest city in Poland is? Actually, we do know that. It’s Krakow, and we’ve been to a gay sex club there. *nail-painting emoji*
Anyway whatevs, SILLY HALLOWEEN GAY PORN PARODIES.
These are ACTUAL MOVIES that ACTUALLY EXIST. Only gays would put so much effort into something like this. There’s fake blood. There’s vampire teeth. There’s capes. There’s doggstyle sex. There’s bad punny titles. What more could you want?!
Twinklight
In case you hadn’t gathered, this is a gay porn parody of the popular teen vampire franchise Twilight! Which was pretty fucking gay to start off with. Robert Pattinson has cheekbones for DAYS, and Taylor Lautner looks like what you’d get if you shoved a chipmunk in a transformation module and hit the “GAY PORN STAR” button. Don’t know what a transformation module is? Well you shouldn’t. We just made it up. Anyway, the characters in Twinklight are called Edmund, Egan and Billa. Lol. The film achieved cult status after its release in 2010 and actually has its own IMDB page! One of the songs on the soundtrack is I Wanna Be Bad by Lindsay Lohan.
Dick or Treat
That really is a lazy pun isn’t it. Even by porn standards. And it’s now in our browser search history, so that’s nice. We watched some of it in the office, much to our cleaner’s amusement/horror. It contains two average-looking men sucking each other off so sort of slowed down techno music, whilst both wearing lumpy woollen sweaters (one purple, one yellow) and golf socks. Apart from the sweaters, which could give a bit of a hint that it’s autumn at least, there’s no reference to Halloween whatsoever, apart from an embarrassed-looking pumpkin in the background. Very poor effort.
Halloweiner: Friday the Fuckteenth
Now this one’s MUCH better on the pun front isn’t it! We love “Halloweiner”. It’s not exactly sexy, but it wins points for humour. It’s also a DOUBLE PARODY (and, coincidentally contains double penetration). The synopsis says: “A group of friends (one of them recently orphaned) go to a cabin by Crystal Lake to have some fun, and die one by one at the hands of a hooded prowler.” Crystal Lake sounds like a drag queen. It actually contains some US gay porn SUPERSTARS, including Dallas Reeves, Kurt Wild and Brad Star!
Twinkula
Another twink vampire parody! This one’s actually GOT Taylor Lautner in it. He and Jonny Rapid fall in love over a slice of pumpkin pie and a bottle of KY Jelly. LIES. It hasn’t got Taylor Lautner in it. It hasn’t even got Jonny Rapid in it actually. However, it is possibly the first gay porn movie ever to be based on an eBook. Yes! Twinkula was originally an eBook written by someone called Ivan T Dickinson. The synopsis: “Halloween is coming up and Michael hasn’t heard a peep from Jared about his latest costume. That is, until he turns around and is confronted by Count Twinkula!” What a premise!
Whorrey Potter & The Sorcerer’s Balls
Where do we start with this. We saved the best ‘til last. Quite simply a cinematic work of genius. Starring powerbottom cutie Luke Marcum as Whorrey Potter, and tattooed adonis Matthew Rush as Voldemorecock. VOLDEMORECOCK. SCREAM. Weirdly, Mimi Imfurst, that horrible bitch from season 3 of Drag Race, makes a cameo as Fagrid. It was released on DVD in 3D, and nominated for twelve Grabby Awards including Best Screenplay and Best Director. The Grabby Awards are like a gay porn version of the Oscars, held yearly in Chicago. We wanna go!
• So there it is, your definitive list of Silly Halloween Gay Porn Parodies. Take note, it’ll come in very useful when you’re…actually we can’t think of a single situation when it’d come in useful. Maybe if you go for Netflix and chill at Taylor Lautner’s place you could suggest watching Twinklight and then WHO KNOWS where the night will take you!